So what do you do when you truly believe that someone in your life could benefit from professional counseling? Maybe they’re repeating harmful patterns that have you concerned, maybe they’re constantly stressed out, or maybe, just maybe, they are using you as their therapist and frankly, this is all a little above your pay grade.
It’s hard to have this conversation without hurting your loved one’s feelings. And deciding to seek help is a major, deeply personal decision. Should you just butt out of it? Or is there a way to broach the subject tactfully?
Consider your motivation
“The first thing that’s important to consider is asking yourself, ‘What’s my goal here?’” says marriage and family therapist Sarah Epstein, LMFT.
By reflecting on your own needs and wants in this situation, you should consider questions like, “Where am I coming from? Why do I want this person to change? Is it my desire for them to go to therapy for them, or is it for my benefit?” adds clinical psychologist Chloe Carmichael, PhD.
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Is it your boyfriend that you think needs to communicate better? Is it your cousin struggling with coming out? Is it your BFF excessively drinking at Sunday brunches? Whatever your motivation for bringing up the idea of therapy, Epstein points out that each “conversation is going to be different.”
Ask yourself if they already know something’s wrong
Another key thing to keep in mind before asking someone in your life to consider therapy is “whether or not that person feels like they have a problem,” Dr. Carmichael says. Someone who acknowledges they might need help will be more receptive than someone who sees nothing wrong with their behaviors.
Be mindful of your wording
If you suggest someone go to therapy because they “need fixing,” Dr. Carmichael points out it can feel like it’s coming from a place of personal judgment, and not out of genuine care.
How you frame therapy and the language you use is critical. For instance, rather than saying “there’s something wrong with you,” marriage and family therapist Ariel Hirsch, MA, LMFT explains that you can instead tell the person, “I’m worried about you and the negative impact [the issue at hand] might be having on your life.” She says that you must “come from a place of care by asking what they need, not telling them.”
Also avoid pathologizing terms (like “codependence” or “narcissism”), or trying to diagnose someone, Epstein says. “Don’t use the language of therapy against them,” she says. “That’s not going to help.” By weaponizing therapy, as it were, Epstein says it tells the person there is something wrong with them.
The same goes for threatening, coercing, or having ultimatums when it comes to someone else’s potential therapy. This is especially important to keep in mind for couples to make sure they are on the same page and see therapy as a united support system, not a magic bullet remedy for ongoing problems
Focus on the potential benefits
Rather than speaking about therapy in terms of someone’s deficit (maybe they seem overly anxious about how their kids are doing in school, or maybe they’re struggling with grieving a significant loss), Epstein says the best course of action is to explain to them “what they might gain or what they might enjoy about the process.” Hirsch adds that therapy should be discussed more as a way to gain another person who’s on your team. “Therapy is a support system, not a mechanism for change,” she explains.
For someone who has never tried therapy before, it can seem overwhelming and even a little bit scary. But Epstein says you can remind the person that therapy is a “place where you can let your guard down, take a pause in your day and help figure out what you need for your own mental health toolbox.”
Talk about your own experiences
Another way to bring therapy into the conversation is to share your own positive experiences with therapy, if you’ve had them. “Talking about therapy in a casual way can really destigmatize it and normalize it,” Hirsch says. You can specifically name the ways it helped you in your own mental health journey.
Offer to help them start the process
If someone seems receptive to the idea of trying therapy, keep in mind that getting started can often be a daunting task in and of itself. Offer to provide extra help in finding the right therapist, including, Epstein says, asking your own therapist for recommendations or referrals.
From CBT to EMDR, there’s a vast array of therapies out there, and it’s an important step to figure out which one best suits an individual. The same goes for finding a therapist that someone feels comfortable with, especially when it comes to race, gender, orientation, age and/or religious affiliation.
If someone who has tried therapy before and didn’t have the best experience(s), Dr. Carmichael says it’s important to acknowledge and honor that. “Tell that person, ‘I’m sorry you had such a negative experience, but maybe we can narrow down what was and wasn’t helpful to you before and find what kind of therapy and therapist would be best suited for you.’”
If they are interested but hesitant (or they are simply waiting to see the right therapist through their insurance provider), Dr. Carmichael says other stepping stones like therapy books or podcasts can help in the meantime.
Of course, if they don’t feel ready or simply don’t want to try therapy at all, Dr. Carmichael says “as long as they are not causing harm or danger to themselves or others,” remember that they only need to do “what they know is best for themselves and their own lives.”
