{"id":9115,"date":"2023-11-27T20:14:08","date_gmt":"2023-11-27T13:14:08","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/loudhdtv.com\/?p=9115"},"modified":"2023-11-27T20:14:08","modified_gmt":"2023-11-27T13:14:08","slug":"dbt-dime-game-can-help-address-people-pleasing","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/loudhdtv.com\/?p=9115","title":{"rendered":"DBT DIME Game Can Help Address People-Pleasing"},"content":{"rendered":"<p> <script async src=\"https:\/\/pagead2.googlesyndication.com\/pagead\/js\/adsbygoogle.js?client=ca-pub-3711241968723425\"\r\n     crossorigin=\"anonymous\"><\/script><br \/>\n<\/p>\n<div>\n<div class=\"drop-cap text-big text-gray\"> <span class=\"drop-cap__first text-dropcap \">P<\/span>icture this scenario: Your phone pings with a text from a friend, asking if you can help them move on Saturday. You already have plans that day, and you don\u2019t particularly feel like throwing out your back helping them haul their couch up three flights of stairs. For most people, handling this request entails shooting back a quick, \u201cSorry, I\u2019m not available on Saturday!\u201d and moving on. But if you\u2019re a <a href=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/people-pleaser\/\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/people-pleaser\/\">people-pleaser<\/a>\u2014meaning that you habitually put others\u2019 needs and emotions before your own\u2014this kind of request would throw you into a true emotional quagmire.<\/div>\n<p>People-pleasing is fairly common: <a href=\"https:\/\/today.yougov.com\/society\/articles\/43498-women-more-likely-men-people-pleasing-poll\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener nofollow\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"https:\/\/today.yougov.com\/society\/articles\/43498-women-more-likely-men-people-pleasing-poll\">49 percent of Americans (and 56 percent of women) self-identify as people-pleasers<\/a>, according to an August 2022 poll by YouGov. And while this behavior comes off as just being \u201cnice,\u201d it can also result in difficulties in <a href=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/boundaries-empathetic-people\/\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/boundaries-empathetic-people\/\">setting boundaries<\/a>, burnout, or <a href=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/what-is-echoism\/\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/what-is-echoism\/\">a lack of sense of self<\/a>. (So\u2026nothing good, really.)<\/p>\n<blockquote>\n<p>&#8220;Think of [the DIME game] as the trusty compass that helps you navigate the often turbulent waters of expressing your needs with clarity.&#8221; \u2014Ella Laniado, LMSW, LSW<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<p>Many different therapy modalities can help clients overcome people-pleasing and the underlying emotional issues associated with the behavior, including Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT). This form of talk therapy is meant to help people learn<a href=\"https:\/\/my.clevelandclinic.org\/health\/treatments\/22838-dialectical-behavior-therapy-dbt\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"https:\/\/my.clevelandclinic.org\/health\/treatments\/22838-dialectical-behavior-therapy-dbt\"> how to manage and regulate intense emotions<\/a>. While DBT was created specifically to <a href=\"https:\/\/depts.washington.edu\/uwbrtc\/about-us\/dialectical-behavior-therapy\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"https:\/\/depts.washington.edu\/uwbrtc\/about-us\/dialectical-behavior-therapy\/\">help people with borderline personality disorder<\/a>, many of the skills used within DBT treatment plans can be adapted for everyday situations\u2014such as people-pleasing. Enter the DIME game: A DBT skill that allows you to ask for what you want, and confidently say no to what you can\u2019t take on.<\/p>\n<div class=\"related-content \" style=\"\" data-module-init=\"related-content\" data-module-immediate=\"\" v-cloak=\"\">\n<div class=\"related-content__wrapper \" v-cloak=\"\" :class=\"{'is-loaded':isLoaded}\">\n<p> <span class=\"inline pr-6 text-seafoam-dark\">Related Stories<\/span> <\/p>\n<p> <related-content class=\"related-content__links\" parent-article-permalink=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/dbt-dime-game\/\" current-title=\"The \u2018DIME Game\u2019 Is the Therapist-Backed Way To Help People-Pleasers Assert Themselves\" current-image=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/11\/GettyImages-dbt-dime-game-miloradkravic-425x285_418x278_true_70.webp\" v-on:parsely-posts-loaded=\"onPostsLoaded\" start-date=\"2023-05-27\" tag=\"div\" inline-template=\"\" url=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/dbt-dime-game\/\" secret=\"w5ztterVB03LGZJLfXS0hf3EvQBuFFIWew9hmVQxthU\" apikey=\"wellandgood.com\" limit=\"3\"> <\/p>\n<div>\n<div class=\"related-content__card mb-[10px] sm:mb-[20px]\" :class=\"{'related-content__card--full':posts.length === 1}\" v-for=\"(post, key) in posts\"> <a v-on:click.prevent=\"trackLinkGA($event, key)\" :href=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/dbt-dime-game\/post.url\" data-url-source=\"related-content\" class=\"related-content__link\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"\"> <\/p>\n<div class=\"related-content__card--image bg-tan\" :style=\"{ backgroundImage: 'url(' + post.image_url + ')' }\"> <img :src=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/dbt-dime-game\/post.image_url\" :alt=\"post.title\"\/> <\/div>\n<p> <\/a>  <\/div>\n<\/p><\/div>\n<p> <\/related-content> <\/div>\n<\/p><\/div>\n<p>By asking a series of yes or no questions, the DIME (Describe, Inquire, Make a Request, and Express yourself) game provides you with direct, actionable advice on how to handle interpersonal conflict. The game will not only tell you whether to ask for (or decline) a request, but it will also suggest a level of assertiveness to use while asking for what you want. And for people-pleasers, this game can be, well, a game-changer for setting boundaries.<\/p>\n<h2>What is the DIME game?<\/h2>\n<p>The DIME game is a DBT technique designed to help you identify what you want out of a particular conflict or request, so you can approach the conversation more confidently and assertively. <a href=\"https:\/\/www.psychologytoday.com\/us\/therapists\/ella-laniado-brookline-ma\/992058\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener nofollow\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"https:\/\/www.psychologytoday.com\/us\/therapists\/ella-laniado-brookline-ma\/992058\">Ella Laniado, LMSW, LSW<\/a>, a licensed social worker who specializes in anxiety and OCD treatment, describes the DIME game as \u201ca structured guide for approaching confrontations. Think of it as the trusty compass that helps you navigate the often turbulent waters of expressing your needs with clarity.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>The technique is <a href=\"https:\/\/www.tiktok.com\/t\/ZT8MxuArp\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener nofollow\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"https:\/\/www.tiktok.com\/t\/ZT8MxuArp\/\">currently making waves on social media<\/a> because of its ability to quickly and decisively come to a conclusion on whether, and how assertively, you should ask for something or decline someone\u2019s request. This can come in handy in socially sticky situations, like asking someone to borrow money or for a friend to take care of you when you\u2019re sick.<\/p>\n<p>The game begins with two simple questions: \u201cDo I ask?\u201d and \u201cDo I say no?\u201d.<\/p>\n<p>If you are looking to <strong>ask for something<\/strong>, the quiz asks you a series of 10 yes or no questions:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li><strong><strong>Capability: <\/strong><\/strong>Is this person able to give or do what I want?<\/li>\n<li><strong>Priorities: <\/strong>Is getting my objective more important than my relationship with this person?<\/li>\n<li><strong>Self-Respect: <\/strong>Will asking help me feel competent and self-respecting?<\/li>\n<li><strong><strong>Rights: <\/strong><\/strong>Is the person required by law or moral code to do or give me what I want?<\/li>\n<li><strong>Authority: <\/strong>Am I responsible for telling the person what to do?<\/li>\n<li><strong>Relationship:<\/strong> Is what I want appropriate for this relationship? (Is it right to ask for what I want?)<\/li>\n<li><strong>Goals:<\/strong> Is asking important to a long-term goal?<\/li>\n<li><strong>Give and Take: <\/strong>Do I give as much as I get with this person?<\/li>\n<li><strong>Homework: <\/strong>Do I know what I want and have the facts I need to support my request?<\/li>\n<li><strong>Timing: <\/strong>Is this a good time to ask? (Is the person in the right mood?)<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>If you are looking to <strong>decline someone\u2019s request<\/strong>, the quiz asks you the same series of yes or no questions, but with you being the person being asked (instead of the person doing the asking).<\/p>\n<p>The algorithm will then tally the number of yes and no responses to tell you whether you should ask (or decline), and how assertively you should ask (or decline). You might get an answer like, \u201cSay you\u2019d rather not, but do it gracefully,\u201d for a situation like helping your friend move. If you\u2019re wondering whether to ask your boss for a raise, you might get an answer like \u201cAsk firmly; insist; negotiate; keep trying.\u201d Ideally, this will allow you to communicate your request or refusal in a way that\u2019s clear, healthy, and decisive.<\/p>\n<p>If you\u2019re interested in trying the DIME game yourself, here\u2019s a <a href=\"https:\/\/dfdx.us\/dbt-dime-game\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener nofollow\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"https:\/\/dfdx.us\/dbt-dime-game\/\">great (free) website<\/a> that allows you to go through the questions.<\/p>\n<h2>Why is the DIME game effective?<\/h2>\n<p>Let\u2019s be clear: The DIME game is <em>not<\/em> at all the same as receiving full DBT treatment. But playing the DIME game can help foster some of the skills that are harnessed in DBT sessions. According to Laniado, the DIME game can be helpful in developing healthy communication, regulating emotions, and increasing clients\u2019 tolerance for distress. She also suggests that the DIME game can provide \u201ca roadmap for maintaining self-respect\u201d while navigating conflict.<\/p>\n<p>Laniado credits the game\u2019s success to the fact that it\u2019s applicable to nearly all conflicts, at nearly all ages. \u201cI&#8217;ve played this game with children navigating the complexities of peer dynamics, teachers, or parents,\u201d she says, \u201cand I&#8217;ve seamlessly integrated it into sessions with adults grappling with confrontations in their personal and professional lives.\u201d In other words, the DIME game is usually relevant and helpful to Laniado\u2019s clients, regardless of their age or social situation.<\/p>\n<p>This is because the questions are broad enough to be widely useful, but specific enough to deliver results. \u201cBy answering yes or no to specific questions,\u201d says <a href=\"https:\/\/manhattanwellness.org\/colette#\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"https:\/\/manhattanwellness.org\/colette#\">Colette Sachs, LMSW<\/a>, associate therapist at Manhattan Wellness, \u201cclients can develop awareness of their boundaries and practice expressing their needs in a controlled setting before facing similar situations in real life.\u201d If you\u2019re a people-pleaser, this practice is key to helping you understand what you want or need <em>before<\/em> you face the emotional pressure of someone else\u2019s needs or issues. Regardless of whether you\u2019re asking for a promotion at work, declining a friend\u2019s plans, or navigating a breakup, the DIME game can not only provide clarity on what <em>exactly<\/em> you want out of a tough conversation, but <em>how<\/em> to present this within the conversation.<\/p>\n<blockquote>\n<p>&#8220;By answering yes or no to specific questions, clients can develop awareness of their boundaries and practice expressing their needs in a controlled setting before facing similar situations in real life.&#8221; \u2014Colette Sachs, LMSW<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<p>Laniado also mentions that the DIME game has helped her clients to describe situations objectively, be curious about another person\u2019s perspective, and be clear and assertive when making requests. This can be incredibly helpful if you\u2019re a people-pleaser and thus struggle to see past another person\u2019s needs or emotions. Through the process of the DIME game, you can actively learn to check the facts while still being respectful of others\u2019 time and capacity.<\/p>\n<p>As mentioned earlier, the DIME game is also designed for you to understand, then communicate, your needs clearly and effectively. This skill can be particularly difficult for people-pleasers. \u201cA people-pleaser will often chronically override their needs in order to meet others\u2019 demands,\u201d <a href=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/difference-between-empathy-people-pleasing\/\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/difference-between-empathy-people-pleasing\/\">Carla Marie Manly, PhD, previously told <em>Well+Good<\/em><\/a>, often due to a desire to avoid conflict or receive validation.<\/p>\n<p>Recall the earlier example about the friend asking for help with their move. A people-pleaser might automatically say \u201cyes\u201d to that ask without thinking through what they actually want or have time for. Having a framework like the DIME game, which gives you a chance to check in with yourself, can help you cut through the noise of what others want to get at the heart of what <em>you<\/em> want or need. You might realize, for example, that while it\u2019s certainly valid of your friend to ask you to help them with their move, they haven\u2019t provided any similar help for you recently\u2014and that in the long run, you won\u2019t regret not helping them this one time.<\/p>\n<h2>When should I <em>not<\/em> use the DIME game?<\/h2>\n<p>It\u2019s clear that the DIME game is a useful, widely applicable tool for navigating conflict. But if you\u2019re experiencing mental health or relational challenges that span beyond everyday people-pleasing, don\u2019t just rely on the DIME game: Talk to your doctor or a mental health professional for more help and support. This is also true of abusive relationships\u2014if you are a current survivor of intimate partner violence or emotional abuse, talking to a mental health professional is a much safer, more effective approach than using the DIME game on your own.<\/p>\n<h2>What are some other therapy skills that can help with people-pleasing?<\/h2>\n<p>If you\u2019re looking to gain therapy skills that are similar to the DIME game, Sachs recommends considering the following (or asking your therapist for help trying these techniques):<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li><strong><strong>Role-playing scenarios: <\/strong><\/strong>This is similar to the DIME game, but instead of the game, it involves rehearsing for social interactions that may result in conflict or anxiety.<\/li>\n<li><strong>Mindfulness and self-compassion: <\/strong>These practices bring awareness to your own needs and allow you to express more kindness towards them.<\/li>\n<li><strong>Communication skills training: <\/strong>This involves learning and practicing modes of communication that can increase assertiveness.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>Sachs notes that these particular exercises can build on individuals\u2019 strengths to empower boundary setting and expressing needs\u2014all vital skills that can help to stop (or slow) people-pleasing in its tracks. With time and practice, you&#8217;ll be saying no (and meaning it!) with confidence.<\/p>\n<\/p><\/div>\n<div data-type=\"_mgwidget\" data-widget-id=\"1675549\">\r\n<\/div>\r\n<script>(function(w,q){w[q]=w[q]||[];w[q].push([\"_mgc.load\"])})(window,\"_mgq\");\r\n<\/script>\r\n\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Picture this scenario: Your phone pings with a text from a friend, asking if you can help them move on Saturday. You already have plans that day, and you don\u2019t particularly feel like throwing out your back helping them haul their couch up three flights of stairs. For most people, handling this request entails shooting &hellip;<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":9116,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[4],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-9115","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-health"],"aioseo_notices":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/loudhdtv.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/9115","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/loudhdtv.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/loudhdtv.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/loudhdtv.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/loudhdtv.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=9115"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/loudhdtv.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/9115\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/loudhdtv.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/9116"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/loudhdtv.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=9115"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/loudhdtv.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=9115"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/loudhdtv.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=9115"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}