{"id":9081,"date":"2023-11-26T05:19:55","date_gmt":"2023-11-25T22:19:55","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/loudhdtv.com\/?p=9081"},"modified":"2023-11-26T05:19:55","modified_gmt":"2023-11-25T22:19:55","slug":"how-to-deal-with-the-silent-treatment","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/loudhdtv.com\/?p=9081","title":{"rendered":"How To Deal With the Silent Treatment"},"content":{"rendered":"<p> <script async src=\"https:\/\/pagead2.googlesyndication.com\/pagead\/js\/adsbygoogle.js?client=ca-pub-3711241968723425\"\r\n     crossorigin=\"anonymous\"><\/script><br \/>\n<\/p>\n<div>\n<div class=\"drop-cap text-big text-gray\"> <span class=\"drop-cap__first text-dropcap \">M<\/span>aybe you\u2019ve had this experience before, or you\u2019ve seen it on a TV show: A couple is arguing about something, and before you know it, one of them won\u2019t talk to the other.\u00a0One partner is pleading and begging\u2014or maybe yelling\u2014wanting to <a href=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/how-to-solve-relationship-arguments\/\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/how-to-solve-relationship-arguments\/\">finish the argument<\/a>, while the other partner acts like they don\u2019t even exist.<\/div>\n<p><em>Ah yes<\/em>, the silent treatment. Sounds pretty rough, right? In fact, other than being straight-up rude (and annoying and unhelpful), the silent treatment can be a <a href=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/types-manipulative-behavior\/\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/types-manipulative-behavior\/\">form of manipulation<\/a>, according to therapists who have expertise in relationships, abuse, and <a href=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/types-of-narcissists\/\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/types-of-narcissists\/\">narcissism<\/a>\u2014which means learning how to deal with it that much more important.<\/p>\n<h2>How the silent treatment can be manipulative<\/h2>\n<p>Before we dive in, let\u2019s be clear on what the silent treatment is and isn\u2019t. For starters, it\u2019s different from taking a break during an argument, especially after communicating about that.<\/p>\n<p>\u201c<a href=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/how-to-stop-fighting\/\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/how-to-stop-fighting\/\">Taking a break during an argument<\/a>, especially if your [<a href=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/regulate-your-nervous-system\/\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/regulate-your-nervous-system\/\">nervous system is] feeling dysregulated<\/a>, can be a healthy coping skill for any couple,\u201d says <a href=\"https:\/\/www.ameliakelley.com\/about-2\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener nofollow\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"https:\/\/www.ameliakelley.com\/about-2\/\">Amelia Kelley, PhD, LCMHC, ATR, CYT<\/a>, a trauma-informed therapist who empowers survivors of abuse and <a href=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/post-traumatic-relationship-syndrome\/\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/post-traumatic-relationship-syndrome\/\">relationship trauma<\/a>. \u201cThe silent treatment is not necessarily taking a break\u2014rather, it is a form of emotional abuse that denies connection with another person.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Someone may use the silent treatment to control how the other person responds, acts, or feels, perhaps pushing them toward guilt or shame, adds Kelley.<\/p>\n<div class=\"related-content \" style=\"\" data-module-init=\"related-content\" data-module-immediate=\"\" v-cloak=\"\">\n<div class=\"related-content__wrapper \" v-cloak=\"\" :class=\"{'is-loaded':isLoaded}\">\n<p> <span class=\"inline pr-6 text-seafoam-dark\">Related Stories<\/span> <\/p>\n<p> <related-content class=\"related-content__links\" parent-article-permalink=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/how-to-deal-with-silent-treatment\/\" current-title=\"Yes, the Silent Treatment Can Be a Manipulation Tactic\u2014Here\u2019s How To Handle It\" current-image=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/11\/GettyImages-1006511974-425x285_418x278_true_70.webp\" v-on:parsely-posts-loaded=\"onPostsLoaded\" start-date=\"2023-05-25\" tag=\"div\" inline-template=\"\" url=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/how-to-deal-with-silent-treatment\/\" secret=\"w5ztterVB03LGZJLfXS0hf3EvQBuFFIWew9hmVQxthU\" apikey=\"wellandgood.com\" limit=\"3\"> <\/p>\n<div>\n<div class=\"related-content__card mb-[10px] sm:mb-[20px]\" :class=\"{'related-content__card--full':posts.length === 1}\" v-for=\"(post, key) in posts\"> <a v-on:click.prevent=\"trackLinkGA($event, key)\" :href=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/how-to-deal-with-silent-treatment\/post.url\" data-url-source=\"related-content\" class=\"related-content__link\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"\"> <\/p>\n<div class=\"related-content__card--image bg-tan\" :style=\"{ backgroundImage: 'url(' + post.image_url + ')' }\"> <img :src=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/how-to-deal-with-silent-treatment\/post.image_url\" :alt=\"post.title\"\/> <\/div>\n<p> <\/a>  <\/div>\n<\/p><\/div>\n<p> <\/related-content> <\/div>\n<\/p><\/div>\n<p>Using this tactic also allows the person to better control a discussion or argument. \u201cBy giving a person \u2018the silent treatment,\u2019 they can dictate the conversation or dictate whether or not that conversation takes place,\u201d says <a href=\"https:\/\/www.choosingtherapy.com\/kristin-davin\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener nofollow\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"https:\/\/www.choosingtherapy.com\/kristin-davin\/\">Kristin Davin, PsyD<\/a>, a psychologist with <a href=\"https:\/\/www.choosingtherapy.com\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener nofollow\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"https:\/\/www.choosingtherapy.com\/\">Choosing Therapy<\/a> who specializes in couples and marriage counseling.<\/p>\n<p>In short, it\u2019s largely about intention. \u201cIf someone is intending to hurt, to get their way, or to punish their partner with the use of the silent treatment, they are then using it as a manipulation tactic instead of a communication strategy,\u201d says <a href=\"https:\/\/lifestance.com\/provider\/leanna-stockard-lmft\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener nofollow\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"https:\/\/lifestance.com\/provider\/leanna-stockard-lmft\/\">Leanna Stockard<\/a>, LMFT, a licensed marriage and family therapist with <a href=\"https:\/\/lifestance.com\/\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" rel=\"nofollow\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"https:\/\/lifestance.com\/\">LifeStance Health<\/a>.<\/p>\n<h2>What the silent treatment as manipulation may look like<\/h2>\n<p>Unfortunately, the silent treatment can be employed in many ways. \u201cIt may look like prolonged silence over days or weeks, refusing to acknowledge the existence of the other person, being silent until <em>they<\/em> are done being silent, and\/or being silent until the other person takes full responsibility [or] changes their behavior,\u201d Stockard says.<\/p>\n<p>They may do this because they desire a particular item or outcome, whether that\u2019s \u201ca gift or item that they want, or getting what they want in the form of having the other person apologize first,\u201d adds <a href=\"https:\/\/www.choosingtherapy.com\/kaytee-gillis-lcsw-bacs\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener nofollow\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"https:\/\/www.choosingtherapy.com\/kaytee-gillis-lcsw-bacs\/\">Kaytee Gillis, LCSW-BACS<\/a>, a trauma-informed therapist with Choosing Therapy who specializes in relationship trauma and narcissistic abuse. The person believes the silent treatment will get them that.<\/p>\n<p>They may also do it as punishment. \u201cThe silent treatment is sometimes used as a way to punish someone who behaves in a way that is displeasing to the other person,\u201d Gillis continues. In the end, she says, they want to feel like they \u201cwon\u201d the argument.<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/thriveworks.com\/therapist\/il\/amber-williams\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener nofollow\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"https:\/\/thriveworks.com\/therapist\/il\/amber-williams\">Amber Williams<\/a>, a licensed clinical professional counselor with <a href=\"https:\/\/thriveworks.com\/normal-counseling\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener nofollow\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"https:\/\/thriveworks.com\/normal-counseling\/\">Thriveworks in Normal, Ill.<\/a> who specializes in relationships, divorce\/breakups, and life transitions, shares a specific scenario of using this tactic to control and punish. In her example, a boyfriend doesn\u2019t respond to his partner\u2019s texts or calls after his partner says they aren\u2019t ready to be physically intimate. As a result, the partner feels they should just sleep with him, thinking that would be easier.<\/p>\n<p>To be clear, this <a href=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/types-manipulative-behavior\/\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/types-manipulative-behavior\/\">manipulation tactic<\/a> doesn\u2019t happen in romantic relationships solely. It can occur in any kind of relationship. \u201cAnother harmful example is when parents withdraw from their child as a means to make their child \u2018feel ashamed of themselves,\u2019\u201d Dr. Kelley adds.<\/p>\n<h2>The effects of the silent treatment<\/h2>\n<h3>On the person receiving it<\/h3>\n<p>The silent treatment can have a snowball effect, unfortunately. According to Dr. Kelley, it can hurt your self-esteem and ego, make you feel ashamed or at fault, and lead to difficulty practicing self-compassion. As a result, she continues, you may feel internalized anger, which can lead to depression, anxiety, and substance use issues.<\/p>\n<p>You may also feel less comfortable and safe in the relationship like you\u2019re walking on eggshells. An increased fear that you\u2019ll do something wrong and \u201ccause\u201d your partner to give you the silent treatment again is also common, Stockard says. \u201cThis can ultimately lead to a lack of confidence, thinking something is wrong with you, feeling like you need the other person, and perhaps even feeling stuck in the relationship,\u201d she adds.<\/p>\n<p>Additionally, your attachment style can be affected. \u201cLong-term exposure can lead the person who is chronically ignored to begin exhibiting traits of <a href=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/anxious-attachment-style-dating\/\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/anxious-attachment-style-dating\/\">anxious or disorganized attachment<\/a> as they try to navigate the unstable relationship dynamics and their constant struggle to regain positive attention from their partner,\u201d Dr. Kelley says.<\/p>\n<h3>On the relationship<\/h3>\n<p>To understate the obvious, unhealthy communication is never helpful. \u201cThe silent treatment leads to an inability to navigate through conflict,\u201d Stockard says. \u201cThis can lead to a lack of trust or equity in the relationship because the silent treatment can cause an imbalanced power dynamic.\u201d That imbalance potentially means a case of abuse and a lack of safety, too, she continues.<\/p>\n<h2>How to deal with the silent treatment<\/h2>\n<h3>Try to avoid giving in<\/h3>\n<p>As much as you may want to beg or plead with them, Williams says this only encourages the situation. \u201cGive the person some space, don\u2019t escalate, don\u2019t assume responsibility for the other person\u2019s actions, assert your boundaries, consider the reasoning behind their motives, and seek out support from a friend or family member,\u201d she encourages.<\/p>\n<h3>Be compassionate with yourself<\/h3>\n<p>When figuring out how to deal with the silent treatment, it&#8217;s important to remind yourself that you aren\u2019t a \u201cbad\u201d person, even if your partner is trying to make you feel like you are. \u201cRemember that you did nothing wrong, and you are not alone,\u201d says Williams.<\/p>\n<p>Then, engage in some <a href=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/small-self-care-ideas\/\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/small-self-care-ideas\/\">self-care activities<\/a>. A couple of her suggestions include exercising and reading self-help books. Dr. Kelley says journaling can also help you explore your experience. Really, it\u2019s about whatever helps you feel better.<\/p>\n<h3>Calmly start a conversation with your partner<\/h3>\n<p>First, it\u2019s important to note that this may not always feel like your safest choice, and that\u2019s valid. If you think it may be helpful rather than harmful, one piece to consider is when to broach the topic. \u201cSometimes these conversations are better done outside of a conflict, but this may be difficult for some people as they fear rocking the boat when things are going well,\u201d Dr. Kelley says.<\/p>\n<p>If and when you move forward with the conversation, acknowledge the silent treatment is taking place, Stockard says, and share how it makes you feel. \u201cWithin this conversation, make sure you are focusing on your feelings and using \u2018I statements,\u2019\u201d she adds. (If you need a refresher, they typically <a href=\"https:\/\/www.bumc.bu.edu\/facdev-medicine\/files\/2011\/08\/I-messages-handout.pdf\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"https:\/\/www.bumc.bu.edu\/facdev-medicine\/files\/2011\/08\/I-messages-handout.pdf\">go like this<\/a>: \u201cI feel _____ when you _____ because ______. Can you _____ instead?\u201d)<\/p>\n<p>Staying calm is key, \u201ceven though at the moment this may seem impossible,\u201d Dr. Davin says. This is because reacting with anger or frustration can escalate the situation, she explains. \u201cSo take a moment to collect your thoughts, and take a deep breath before attempting to address the issue,\u201d\u00a0 she says.<\/p>\n<p>Additionally, Dr. Davin encourages avoiding any accusatory or confrontational language\u2014using &#8220;I&#8221; language instead of &#8220;you&#8221; language will help you here.<\/p>\n<h3>Set boundaries<\/h3>\n<p>Let your partner know what you\u2019re not okay with. \u201cShare that the silent treatment is not an effective way to address issues, and that open communication is a healthier approach,\u201d Stockard says.<\/p>\n<p>Then, discuss how you\u2019d like to address conflict instead. Your <a href=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/how-set-healthy-boundaries-with-friends\/\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/how-set-healthy-boundaries-with-friends\/\">boundary setting may look like<\/a> compromising, talking about your values, outlining consequences, and being assertive, to start.<\/p>\n<h3>Reach out to support systems and\/or a therapist<\/h3>\n<p>While this step can always be helpful, it\u2019s especially important if you feel you may be in <a href=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/signs-narcissistic-abuse\/\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/signs-narcissistic-abuse\/\">an abusive relationship<\/a>.<\/p>\n<p>Stockard encourages getting advice from loved ones, and Dr. Kelley agrees. \u201cMuch like other forms of emotional abuse and manipulation, speaking to another support person who has an outside perspective can help,\u201d Dr. Kelley says.<\/p>\n<p>If steps like these don\u2019t work, you may want to reconsider the relationship or what your time with the person looks like, if at all possible.<\/p>\n<p>The bottom line: \u201cIf your partner is not interested in changing this behavior, it is imperative to prioritize your safety,&#8221; Stockard says.<\/p>\n<h2>How to communicate without using the silent treatment<\/h2>\n<h3>Practice healthy conflict-resolution skills<\/h3>\n<p>One example Dr. Kelley provides is the <a href=\"https:\/\/dbt.tools\/interpersonal_effectiveness\/dear-man.php\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener nofollow\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"https:\/\/dbt.tools\/interpersonal_effectiveness\/dear-man.php\">acronym \u201cDEAR MAN\u201d<\/a> from dialectical behavior therapy. It stands for describe, express, assert, reinforce, mindful, appear, negotiate.<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/active-listening-tips\/\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/active-listening-tips\/\">Active listening<\/a> skills come into play here, too. Dr. Davin mentions giving your full attention, avoiding interrupting, and asking clarifying questions when necessary. She also reminds us of the helpfulness of \u201cI statements\u201d during these conversations.<\/p>\n<h3>Don\u2019t think about \u201cwinning\u201d and \u201closing\u201d<\/h3>\n<p>As my therapist once suggested, see problems as \u201cus versus the problem,\u201d not \u201cyou versus me.\u201d Competing with your partner won\u2019t help.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cIt\u2019s also important to remember that whoever breaks the silence first is not &#8220;losing,\u201d Dr. Kelley says. \u201cIn fact, it may mean that that particular person is more effectively regaining control of their thoughts and body, so it is actually quite an empowering position to be in.\u201d<\/p>\n<h3>If you need a break, communicate the details<\/h3>\n<p>Needing some time alone to breathe and calm down can be a healthy and smart idea\u2014just be mindful of how you go about it. \u201cEstablishing a place you may retreat to for a break and even the length of time you may feel you need can help,\u201d Dr. Kelley says.<\/p>\n<p>For example, you could say something along the lines of: \u201cI\u2019m feeling frustrated right now and want to come back to this conversation when I feel more and we can be more productive. I&#8217;m going to take a walk for 10 minutes to cool down, then I\u2019ll be back.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>If you end up needing more time than you\u2019d guessed, Stockard says, give your partner an update. Let them know you\u2019re still processing but do intend to come back to the conversation once you\u2019re in the right headspace.<\/p>\n<p>She also emphasizes the importance of not forcing your partner to check in on you constantly or to agree with you. \u201cWhile it is important to come back to the conversation when you are ready, you do need to be empathic about what your partner may be feeling while you are taking space,\u201d she says.<\/p>\n<p>Whether you and your partner decide to talk it out or take a few moments to cool down, the silent treatment\u2014especially when used to control someone\u2014is not the way to go. And if someone is using it on you, remember your power and that you deserve better.<\/p>\n<p><em>If you are experiencing or have experienced relationship violence and need support, please call the <\/em><a href=\"https:\/\/www.thehotline.org\/help\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"https:\/\/www.thehotline.org\/help\/\"><em>National Domestic Violence Hotline<\/em><\/a><em> at 1-800-799-7233.<\/em><\/p>\n<\/p><\/div>\n<div data-type=\"_mgwidget\" data-widget-id=\"1675549\">\r\n<\/div>\r\n<script>(function(w,q){w[q]=w[q]||[];w[q].push([\"_mgc.load\"])})(window,\"_mgq\");\r\n<\/script>\r\n\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Maybe you\u2019ve had this experience before, or you\u2019ve seen it on a TV show: A couple is arguing about something, and before you know it, one of them won\u2019t talk to the other.\u00a0One partner is pleading and begging\u2014or maybe yelling\u2014wanting to finish the argument, while the other partner acts like they don\u2019t even exist. Ah &hellip;<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":9082,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[4],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-9081","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-health"],"aioseo_notices":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/loudhdtv.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/9081","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/loudhdtv.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/loudhdtv.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/loudhdtv.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/loudhdtv.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=9081"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/loudhdtv.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/9081\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/loudhdtv.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/9082"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/loudhdtv.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=9081"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/loudhdtv.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=9081"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/loudhdtv.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=9081"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}