{"id":8919,"date":"2023-11-19T02:16:29","date_gmt":"2023-11-18T19:16:29","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/loudhdtv.com\/?p=8919"},"modified":"2023-11-19T02:16:29","modified_gmt":"2023-11-18T19:16:29","slug":"dating-with-autism-how-i-navigate-it-with-confidence","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/loudhdtv.com\/?p=8919","title":{"rendered":"Dating With Autism: How I Navigate It With Confidence"},"content":{"rendered":"<p> <script async src=\"https:\/\/pagead2.googlesyndication.com\/pagead\/js\/adsbygoogle.js?client=ca-pub-3711241968723425\"\r\n     crossorigin=\"anonymous\"><\/script><br \/>\n<\/p>\n<div>\n<p> <span class=\"drop-cap__first text-dropcap \">M<\/span>oving in with a Bumble match two weeks after meeting. Not thinking twice that a new boyfriend punched walls whenever he misplaced his keys. Gushing about my love for the Borderlands video game series until a crush\u2019s eyes glazed over. Assuming the non-monogamous couple who kept DMing me to sleep over and chat about sex just wanted to be friends \u2014 not flirt their way into a threesome.<\/p>\n<p>Unfortunately, these are not my proudest dating moments.<\/p>\n<p>I always thought I was just painfully awkward with terrible social anxiety. Then, at age 30, I finally unlocked the key that changed everything: an <a href=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/autistic-women-adult-diagnosis\/\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/autistic-women-adult-diagnosis\/\">autism spectrum disorder (ASD) diagnosis<\/a>. This new understanding of myself helped explain all of the cringy, confusing, and downright traumatic experiences throughout my relationship history.<\/p>\n<blockquote>\n<p>I realized that it was important I bring my full self to my dating life. And that started with being up-front about who I am.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<p>Autism is a neurodevelopmental condition that\u2019s characterized by repetitive or restrictive behaviors as well as difficulties with communication and socializing. According to <a href=\"https:\/\/www.columbiapsychiatry.org\/profile\/ryan-s-sultan-md\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"https:\/\/www.columbiapsychiatry.org\/profile\/ryan-s-sultan-md\">Ryan Sultan, MD<\/a>, board-certified psychiatrist, therapist, and professor at Columbia University, some of the most common challenges autistic folks face while dating include interpreting nonverbal cues (like body language), expressing emotions, dealing with unpredictability and change, overlooking red flags, and recognizing signs of dishonesty or ulterior motives.<\/p>\n<div class=\"\">\n<hr\/>\n<div class=\"experts-in-article noskim py-[24px] px-[40px]\">\n<p>Experts In This Article<\/p>\n<ul class=\"!ml-[18px]\">\n<li> <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shareofflorida.com\/about-share\" rel=\"noopener nofollow\" target=\"_blank\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"https:\/\/www.shareofflorida.com\/about-share\">Dolly Ferraiuolo, LCSW<\/a>, an autistic psychotherapist and the founder of Share Transformative Therapy and Wellness in Clearwater, Florida <\/li>\n<li> <a href=\"https:\/\/www.integrativepsych.nyc\/experts\/dr-ryan-sultan\" rel=\"noopener nofollow\" target=\"_blank\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"https:\/\/www.integrativepsych.nyc\/experts\/dr-ryan-sultan\">Ryan Sultan, MD<\/a>, assistant professor of clinical psychiatry and director of the Mental Health Informatics Lab at Columbia University <\/li>\n<\/ul><\/div>\n<hr\/><\/div>\n<p>These issues pop up for me on the regular as a person dating with autism, until recently, led me to enter unhealthy relationships with mismatched partners. I\u2019m happy to say that re-discovering who I really am underneath that <a href=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/masking-neurodivergent\/\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/masking-neurodivergent\/\">neurotypical mask<\/a>\u2014and learning how to navigate dating in ways that honor my unique brain and personality\u2014changed <em>everything <\/em>about my dating life.<\/p>\n<p>Today, with this new self-awareness, I\u2019m doing things differently. And it\u2019s helped me have a more fulfilling romantic life full of connection and closeness.<\/p>\n<h2>Opening up about my experience and needs<\/h2>\n<p>Once I had my diagnosis (and learned more about myself), I realized that it was important I bring my full self to my dating life. And that started with being up-front about who I am.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cBeing open about autism and how it affects [your] dating experience can lead to better understanding and empathy from potential partners,\u201d says Dr. Sultan. It\u2019s true. While it\u2019s scary talking about your mental health or neurodivergence with someone you want to date\u2014and how those things might impact your relationship\u2014 it\u2019s key to letting a potential partner into your world.<\/p>\n<p>The first (and only) crush I told about my diagnosis is now my partner. I shared that I was autistic and that journey of self-discovery very casually via text. \u201cWe should chat one day,\u201d he replied. \u201cIt\u2019s interesting how it\u2019s helping you understand things for yourself better.\u201d <em>Phew<\/em>, I remember thinking. <em>Acceptance<\/em>. <em>Non-judgment. Interest!<\/em> What a relief\u2014he didn\u2019t think I was unworthy of love, which I was afraid would be the case.<\/p>\n<div class=\"related-content \" style=\"\" data-module-init=\"related-content\" data-module-immediate=\"\" v-cloak=\"\">\n<div class=\"related-content__wrapper \" v-cloak=\"\" :class=\"{'is-loaded':isLoaded}\">\n<p> <span class=\"inline pr-6 text-seafoam-dark\">Related Stories<\/span> <\/p>\n<p> <related-content class=\"related-content__links\" parent-article-permalink=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/dating-with-autism\/\" current-title=\"I Was Diagnosed With Autism at Age 30\u2014And That New Understanding Has Transformed My Love Life for the Better\" current-image=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/11\/GettyImages-dating-with-autism-JaninaSteinmetz_418x278_true_70.webp\" v-on:parsely-posts-loaded=\"onPostsLoaded\" start-date=\"2023-05-18\" tag=\"div\" inline-template=\"\" url=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/dating-with-autism\/\" secret=\"w5ztterVB03LGZJLfXS0hf3EvQBuFFIWew9hmVQxthU\" apikey=\"wellandgood.com\" limit=\"3\"> <\/p>\n<div>\n<div class=\"related-content__card mb-[10px] sm:mb-[20px]\" :class=\"{'related-content__card--full':posts.length === 1}\" v-for=\"(post, key) in posts\"> <a v-on:click.prevent=\"trackLinkGA($event, key)\" :href=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/dating-with-autism\/post.url\" data-url-source=\"related-content\" class=\"related-content__link\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"\"> <\/p>\n<div class=\"related-content__card--image bg-tan\" :style=\"{ backgroundImage: 'url(' + post.image_url + ')' }\"> <img :src=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/dating-with-autism\/post.image_url\" :alt=\"post.title\"\/> <\/div>\n<p> <\/a>  <\/div>\n<\/p><\/div>\n<p> <\/related-content> <\/div>\n<\/p><\/div>\n<p>Since then, the conversations about autism are open-ended, and his support for me and my needs is ongoing.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cIt&#8217;s great to chat about things like noise levels, lighting, and how you feel about physical touch,\u201d says <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shareofflorida.com\/about-share\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener nofollow\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"https:\/\/www.shareofflorida.com\/about-share\">Dolly Ferraiuolo, LCSW<\/a>, an autistic psychotherapist who specializes in helping fellow neurodivergent folks at her practice SHARE Therapy &amp; Wellness in Clearwater, Florida. And that\u2019s exactly what we do.<\/p>\n<p>When I\u2019m overstimulated by loud sounds at a restaurant, I tell him. When we\u2019re home, he asks if it\u2019s okay to play a record or if I want to sit in silence. If I want to watch the same show we always do instead of a new one on our list, there\u2019s no fuss.<\/p>\n<p>Although I may be particular, it\u2019s not all about me. His needs matter, too. So when we have different dinner cravings or energy levels at the end of the night, open communication allows us to find a plan that works for <em>both <\/em>of us. (It really is as simple as speaking up and talking things out!)<\/p>\n<h2>Getting clarity for better understanding<\/h2>\n<p>Auditory processing isn\u2019t my strong suit. In the past, I\u2019d pretend I heard what my partner was asking or like I knew what they meant. Nine times out of 10, that would lead to miscommunication and misunderstandings (for obvious reasons).<\/p>\n<p>I don\u2019t leave room for ambiguity anymore. Seeking and receiving clear answers helps give me peace of mind and the ability to move forward with confidence, which ultimately leads to <em>everyone <\/em>feeling seen and heard.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAsking direct questions when unsure about a partner&#8217;s feelings or intentions can contribute to clarity in communication and avoid misinterpretations,\u201d says Dr. Sultan. For me, it could be as simple as, \u201cWhat do you mean by that?\u201d or \u201cWas that sarcasm, or are you being serious?\u201d If my partner notices I\u2019m lagging after he says something, he\u2019ll beat me to it and say \u201cThat was a joke,\u201d or otherwise confirm his meaning. Granted, that ruins the punchline, but I already did.<\/p>\n<h2>Setting clear boundaries and guidelines<\/h2>\n<p>I\u2019ve <em>always <\/em>struggled with change, especially sudden change. Even the smallest shift in plans can ruin my mood and throw off my whole night. \u201cMany autistic individuals thrive on routine and structure, which may not align with the unpredictable nature of dating and relationships,\u201d says Dr. Sultan.<\/p>\n<p>To accommodate, Dr. Sultan says establishing expectations up front can help reduce uncertainty. This might look like talking about preferred <a href=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/communication-styles-relationships\/\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/communication-styles-relationships\/\">communication styles<\/a> and comfort levels in social settings. What that looks like for me and my partner: We usually eat at home or quiet, intimate restaurants where we can hear each other talk. We sit in the cozy corner of the lounge at a music venue. Swinging by a social event for an hour and not dancing at weddings is ideal for both of us.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cChoosing a familiar and comfortable setting for a date can really help ease any anxiety,\u201d adds Ferrauiolo. \u201cKnowing what to expect can make a big difference.\u201d For me, that predictability is vital.<\/p>\n<h2>Leaning on support systems<\/h2>\n<p>\u201cWith the right strategies and support, autistic individuals can build meaningful and fulfilling relationships,\u201d says Dr. Sultan. It\u2019s true. Dating as an autistic person takes a village. I rely on supportive friends, family members, and a bunch of neurodivergent content creators for help navigating the challenges of dating and romantic relationships. Whether I need a confusing text decoded, to be talked off the ledge when something minor sends me into a meltdown, or advice on how to best move forward in a situation, I have a strong support system of people I can count on.<\/p>\n<p>According to Dr. Sultan, \u201cseeking support from a therapist or counselor who specializes in autism and relationships can provide valuable insights and strategies for navigating the dating world.\u201d My ASD-literate therapist has been one of my biggest cheerleaders and supporters throughout my chaotic dating life, even before we knew I was autistic. She\u2019s helped me <a href=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/improv-for-autism\/\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/improv-for-autism\/\">boost my confidence<\/a>, learn about neurodivergence, and gain skills and resources I need to live and love in healthier ways. I\u2019m incredibly fortunate to have her.<\/p>\n<h2>Embracing my differences<\/h2>\n<p>\u201cRemember, autism is just a different way of thinking, not a flaw,\u201d says Ferrauiolo. \u201cEmbrace the unique perspectives and strengths that we bring to relationships.\u201d <em>Yes.<\/em><\/p>\n<p>Autism is a spectrum disorder, meaning that it presents differently for everyone. But Ferrauiolo notes some potential perks autistic people may offer in romantic relationships include caring deeply for our partners, having an <a href=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/how-to-become-more-empathetic\/\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/how-to-become-more-empathetic\/\">immense amount of empathy<\/a>, being incredibly dedicated and loyal, keeping it real and always being honest, and being a clear, direct communicator.<\/p>\n<p>I may still be painfully awkward, but I\u2019m proud of how clear I can communicate. I might have specific needs, but I know myself now better than I ever have before. I also know that I\u2019m not broken or unloveable. I\u2019m just different. And I\u2019m still worthy of love and acceptance, and I\u2019m fully capable of being in a happy, healthy relationship, contrary to what my dating history might suggest.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cIt&#8217;s crucial to remember that neurodiversity enriches the dating world, and everyone deserves love and companionship, regardless of their neurology,\u201d reminds Dr. Sultan. I\u2019m thankful that I have found a loving partner and am surrounded by people who love me for me. If you\u2019re a fellow autistic person navigating the wild waters of the dating world, don\u2019t lose hope. Know that this is possible for you, too.<\/p>\n<\/p><\/div>\n<div data-type=\"_mgwidget\" data-widget-id=\"1675549\">\r\n<\/div>\r\n<script>(function(w,q){w[q]=w[q]||[];w[q].push([\"_mgc.load\"])})(window,\"_mgq\");\r\n<\/script>\r\n\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Moving in with a Bumble match two weeks after meeting. Not thinking twice that a new boyfriend punched walls whenever he misplaced his keys. Gushing about my love for the Borderlands video game series until a crush\u2019s eyes glazed over. Assuming the non-monogamous couple who kept DMing me to sleep over and chat about sex &hellip;<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":8920,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[4],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-8919","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-health"],"aioseo_notices":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/loudhdtv.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/8919","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/loudhdtv.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/loudhdtv.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/loudhdtv.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/loudhdtv.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=8919"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/loudhdtv.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/8919\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/loudhdtv.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/8920"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/loudhdtv.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=8919"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/loudhdtv.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=8919"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/loudhdtv.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=8919"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}