{"id":8157,"date":"2023-10-15T01:17:42","date_gmt":"2023-10-14T18:17:42","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/loudhdtv.com\/?p=8157"},"modified":"2023-10-15T01:17:42","modified_gmt":"2023-10-14T18:17:42","slug":"what-to-do-and-avoid-in-a-fight-with-a-friend","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/loudhdtv.com\/?p=8157","title":{"rendered":"What To Do (and Avoid) in a Fight With a Friend"},"content":{"rendered":"<p> <script async src=\"https:\/\/pagead2.googlesyndication.com\/pagead\/js\/adsbygoogle.js?client=ca-pub-3711241968723425\"\r\n     crossorigin=\"anonymous\"><\/script><br \/>\n<\/p>\n<div>\n<p> <span class=\"drop-cap__first text-dropcap \">H<\/span>ave you ever felt hurt by something your friend did and never brought it up, had a blow-up with a friend that got swept under the rug instead of fully processed, or slowly faded away from a friendship instead of talking things through? Many of us don\u2019t have a ton of tools for working through a fight with a friend to create healthier, more sustainable relationships.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cIn most friendships, there\u2019s no agreement that working through challenges is part of the deal,\u201d says <a href=\"https:\/\/www.alimillermft.com\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener nofollow\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"https:\/\/www.alimillermft.com\/\">Ali Miller, MFT<\/a>, a therapist who uses nonviolent communication principles in her work. She points out the general expectation that romantic and family relationships will face challenges, but friendships are supposed to be easy. \u201cWhen challenges arise in a friendship, we\u2019re caught off guard and don\u2019t have a model for how to navigate the conflict in a productive and connecting way.\u201d<\/p>\n<div class=\"\">\n<hr\/>\n<div class=\"experts-in-article noskim py-[24px] px-[40px]\">\n<p>Experts In This Article<\/p>\n<ul class=\"!ml-[18px]\">\n<li> <a href=\"\" rel=\"noopener nofollow\" target=\"_blank\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"\">Ali Miller, MFT<\/a>, marriage and family therapist who uses nonviolent communication principles in her work. <\/li>\n<li> <a href=\"\" rel=\"noopener nofollow\" target=\"_blank\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"\">Meenadchi<\/a>, healer, facilitator, and author of <em>Decolonizing Nonviolent Communication<\/em>: <\/li>\n<li> <a href=\"\" rel=\"noopener nofollow\" target=\"_blank\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"\">Roxy Manning, PhD<\/a>, psychologist, nonviolent communication consultant, and author of <em>How to Have Antiracist Conversations<\/em> <\/li>\n<li> <a href=\"\" rel=\"noopener nofollow\" target=\"_blank\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"\">Terrie Lewine, DC<\/a>, chiropractor, communication coach, and nonviolent communication practitioner <\/li>\n<\/ul><\/div>\n<hr\/><\/div>\n<p>Psychologist <a href=\"https:\/\/roxannemanning.com\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener nofollow\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"https:\/\/roxannemanning.com\/\">Roxy Manning, PhD<\/a>, a nonviolent communication consultant and author of the book <em><a href=\"https:\/\/www.amazon.com\/How-Have-Antiracist-Conversations-Embracing\/dp\/1523003731\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener nofollow\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"https:\/\/www.amazon.com\/How-Have-Antiracist-Conversations-Embracing\/dp\/1523003731\">How to Have Antiracist Conversations<\/a>, <\/em>sees conflict as an essential part of healthy human interactions. In other words, if you never fight with your friends, that may not be such a good thing, after all. It could mean you and your friends are repressing feelings, pushing aside needs, or avoiding direct communication.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cConflict just means that I&#8217;ve got some needs that are really important to me that I&#8217;d like to have met, and you have some needs that are important to you that you&#8217;d like to have met&#8230;[and we need to find] strategies to meet those needs that work for both of us,\u201d says Dr. Manning.<\/p>\n<p>This is the crux of nonviolent communication (NVC). As the healer and facilitator who goes by <a href=\"https:\/\/www.meenadchi.com\/meenadchi\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener nofollow\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"https:\/\/www.meenadchi.com\/meenadchi\">Meenadchi<\/a> shares in their book <a href=\"https:\/\/shop.fccwla.org\/products\/decolonizing-non-violent-communication\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"https:\/\/shop.fccwla.org\/products\/decolonizing-non-violent-communication\"><em>Decolonizing Nonviolent Communication<\/em><\/a>: \u201cWe all share a <a href=\"https:\/\/www.nycnvc.org\/needs\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"https:\/\/www.nycnvc.org\/needs\">universal set of life-affirming needs<\/a>.\u201d Those needs include things like belonging, self-expression, play, food, consideration, and love. \u201cEverything people say and do is an <a href=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/needs-in-relationship\/\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/needs-in-relationship\/\">attempt to get their needs met<\/a>,\u201d says chiropractor <a href=\"https:\/\/www.getbacktolife.org\/\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"https:\/\/www.getbacktolife.org\/\">Terrie Lewine, DC<\/a>, communication coach and NVC practitioner. \u201cBut we sometimes have tragic ways of meeting our needs.\u201d<\/p>\n<div class=\"related-content \" style=\"\" data-module-init=\"related-content\" data-module-immediate=\"\" v-cloak=\"\">\n<div class=\"related-content__wrapper \" v-cloak=\"\" :class=\"{'is-loaded':isLoaded}\">\n<p> <span class=\"inline pr-6 text-seafoam-dark\">Related Stories<\/span> <\/p>\n<p> <related-content class=\"related-content__links\" parent-article-permalink=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/fight-with-friend\/\" current-title=\"3 Things That Nonviolent Communication Experts Suggest You *Never* Do in a Fight With a Friend\u2014And What To Do Instead\" current-image=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/10\/IMG_2023-10-14-093005_418x278_true_70.webp\" v-on:parsely-posts-loaded=\"onPostsLoaded\" start-date=\"2023-04-14\" tag=\"div\" inline-template=\"\" url=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/fight-with-friend\/\" secret=\"w5ztterVB03LGZJLfXS0hf3EvQBuFFIWew9hmVQxthU\" apikey=\"wellandgood.com\" limit=\"3\"> <\/p>\n<div>\n<div class=\"related-content__card mb-[10px] sm:mb-[20px]\" :class=\"{'related-content__card--full':posts.length === 1}\" v-for=\"(post, key) in posts\"> <a v-on:click.prevent=\"trackLinkGA($event, key)\" :href=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/fight-with-friend\/post.url\" data-url-source=\"related-content\" class=\"related-content__link\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"\"> <\/p>\n<div class=\"related-content__card--image bg-tan\" :style=\"{ backgroundImage: 'url(' + post.image_url + ')' }\"> <img :src=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/fight-with-friend\/post.image_url\" :alt=\"post.title\"\/> <\/div>\n<p> <\/a>  <\/div>\n<\/p><\/div>\n<p> <\/related-content> <\/div>\n<\/p><\/div>\n<h2>3 things to never do in a fight with a friend, according to nonviolent communication experts<\/h2>\n<h3>1. Fall into a courtroom mentality<\/h3>\n<p>If you\u2019re in a fight with a friend, most of your energy is probably going toward proving how right you are and how wrong your friend is. \u201cIt can feel like you\u2019re in a courtroom and you have to win the trial with a strong defense,\u201d Miller explains. \u201cThe courtroom mentality of trying to figure out who\u2019s right and who\u2019s wrong, who\u2019s good and who\u2019s bad, destroys relationships.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Ditching the courtroom mentality means giving up blame that anyone did anything wrong. \u201cI don&#8217;t think you can literally ever get out of conflict unless you drop out of blame,\u201d Dr. Lewine says. It\u2019s not about who\u2019s right or who\u2019s wrong. It\u2019s about figuring out what both of your needs are, and how to meet them.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWe think what we want is to be right, when the reality is what we most deeply want is to love and be loved, to care and feel cared for,\u201d Miller says.<\/p>\n<h3>2. Go with your first reaction<\/h3>\n<p>\u201cJust don\u2019t,\u201d Dr. Manning says with a laugh. When things are first brought up, both people are likely stimulated and unable to hear each other. When you pause and slow down, you can get more grounded and more easily <a href=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/active-listening-tips\/\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/active-listening-tips\/\">actively listen<\/a> to each other.<\/p>\n<h3>3. Use static language<\/h3>\n<p>Static language is absolute instead of dynamic, and we use it all the time in our daily lives\u2014especially in conflict. \u201cThat\u2019s where you get into \u2018he is, she is, it is,\u2019\u201d Dr. Lewine says. We may use static language like \u201cyou left me out\u201d or \u201cyou\u2019re inconsiderate,\u201d instead of saying \u201cI feel hurt.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Feelings-oriented language can feel more vulnerable. But it\u2019s ultimately much more honest and conducive to healthy conflict than static language, which can automatically put your friend on the defensive.<\/p>\n<h2>What to do in a fight with a friend, according to nonviolent communication experts<\/h2>\n<h3>1. Distinguish the need itself from the strategy to meet the need<\/h3>\n<p>\u201cIn order to get our life-affirming needs met, we employ a variety of strategies,\u201d Meenadchi writes in <em>Decolonizing Nonviolent Communication. <\/em>\u201cConflict does not occur at the level of needs. It occurs at the level of strategy.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Distinguishing needs from the ways we try to get needs met can be a collaborative process. Dr. Lewine points out that we often confuse the two; we may think our need is for our friend to take us to the airport, and while we do need a ride, the deeper need is to matter to our friend.<\/p>\n<p>When we understand that, a whole slew of new possibilities are opened up. What other ways could your friend show you that you matter to them, while also meeting their own needs? Maybe planning quality time for when you return or a FaceTime while you\u2019re away could work for both of you.<\/p>\n<p>When we\u2019re not hyperfocused on <a href=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/how-to-talk-to-defensive-person\/\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/how-to-talk-to-defensive-person\/\">defensiveness<\/a> and blame, we can try to understand the needs underneath our friend\u2019s behaviors\u2014and our own\u2014so we can come up with better ways to meet each other\u2019s needs. Invitations to share more of their feelings and needs, like \u201cwhat were you hoping for when you did XYZ?\u201d and \u201ctell me more\u201d can be helpful places to start.<\/p>\n<h3>2. Separate what *actually* happened from the meaning you\u2019re making of what happened<\/h3>\n<p>\u201cThis is really essential,\u201d Dr. Manning says. \u201cThere\u2019s what the person actually said or did, and then there\u2019s what you heard.\u201d We do this meaning-making all the time: A friend doesn\u2019t offer to split the Uber and we hear that they don\u2019t care about our financial stress. A friend says they can\u2019t talk right now, and we tell ourselves we\u2019re bothering them. A friend looks at their phone when we\u2019re talking, and we hear that we\u2019re not important to them.<\/p>\n<p>There\u2019s a big distinction between what happened and the story we tell ourselves about what happened, and it\u2019s critical to get clear on those two things. In a fight with a friend, we tend to lean heavily on the interpretation (\u201cyou ignored me!\u201d) instead of the facts (\u201cyou looked at your phone when I was trying to talk to you.\u201d)<\/p>\n<p>Try to do the opposite, and share observations instead of interpretations. When you want to share an interpretation, make it clear that\u2019s what you\u2019re doing with language like \u201cI took that as\u201d or \u201cthe story I told myself when you looked at your phone was\u2026.\u201d If you\u2019re struggling to hear each other in a fight, Dr. Manning recommends using the question \u201cwhat did you hear me say?\u201d to separate the extra layer of meaning from what was said.<\/p>\n<h3>3. Take responsibility for your feelings<\/h3>\n<p>Instead of saying, \u201cI felt this way because you did that,\u201d express your own feelings and needs. \u201cYour friend doesn\u2019t have to get defensive because you\u2019re not saying \u2018I felt this because you did this to me.\u2019 You\u2019re saying, this is what happened and this is what came up for me, this is how I felt,\u201d Dr. Manning says.<\/p>\n<p>When we drop the courtroom mentality and let go of the need to blame our friend, we can own our feelings, needs, and sensitive spots without making our friend bad or wrong.<\/p>\n<h3>4. Go for the \u201cboth and\u201d instead of the \u201ceither or\u201d<\/h3>\n<p>Binary thinking is part of so many systems we\u2019ve been given, which is part of why we default to making each other good or bad. \u201cWe can\u2019t see the gray. Maybe you were trying to support another friend when you interrupted me, and that was hard for me at the same time that there was beauty in what you were trying to do,\u201d Dr. Manning says. \u201cBoth things can be true. I can still honor and celebrate how much you care about all our friends being heard, and share how hard it is for me when I\u2019m interrupted. Being able to go for the \u2018both and\u2019 rather than the \u2018either or\u2019 is essential.\u201d<\/p>\n<h3>5. Express your needs<\/h3>\n<p>It can be hard to understand what our needs are in the first place during a fight with a friend, so slowing things down and taking time to introspect before bringing things up to your friend is key. If you\u2019re the friend an issue is being brought up to, it could be helpful to just listen at first, then take some time to think about what your needs are before responding.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cConflict is what happens when our needs aren\u2019t met and we don\u2019t have the skills to talk about our needs (and related feelings) in connecting and productive ways,\u201d Miller says. \u201cWhen a friend, for example, says or does something we don\u2019t like and we get mad, hurt, or upset, the default mode for most of us is either fight (blame, judge, argue) or flight (withdraw, keep your feelings inside, or stay but pretend you\u2019re not upset).\u201d Slowing things down and expressing needs can break the default cycle.<\/p>\n<h3>6. Embrace empathy<\/h3>\n<p>\u201cYou can listen in a way that <a href=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/how-to-become-more-empathetic\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/how-to-become-more-empathetic\/\">creates deeper empathy<\/a> and connection and gives your friend the experience of being seen, heard, and understood, even when you disagree with what they\u2019re saying,\u201d Miller says. Try to connect to the needs of the human in front of you, no matter how mean or complaining they may sound.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhat\u2019s the precious thing they\u2019re trying to get you to hear?\u201d Dr. Lewine says. \u201cYou can ask, \u2018what\u2019s alive in you?\u2019 or \u2018why are you upset?\u2019 to try to get down to the need itself.\u201d<\/p>\n<div class=\"disclaimers__after_content mb-[18px] mt-[16px] pt-[16px]\">\n<div class=\"outline-earmark relative mt-[8px] pt-[10px] pl-[20px]\">\n<p>\n            Our editors independently select these products. Making a purchase through our links may earn Well+Good a commission.          <\/p>\n<\/p><\/div>\n<\/p><\/div>\n<\/p><\/div>\n<div data-type=\"_mgwidget\" data-widget-id=\"1675549\">\r\n<\/div>\r\n<script>(function(w,q){w[q]=w[q]||[];w[q].push([\"_mgc.load\"])})(window,\"_mgq\");\r\n<\/script>\r\n\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Have you ever felt hurt by something your friend did and never brought it up, had a blow-up with a friend that got swept under the rug instead of fully processed, or slowly faded away from a friendship instead of talking things through? Many of us don\u2019t have a ton of tools for working through &hellip;<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":8158,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[4],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-8157","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-health"],"aioseo_notices":[],"aioseo_head":"\n\t\t<!-- All in One SEO 4.9.8 - aioseo.com -->\n\t<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Have you ever felt hurt by something your friend did and never brought it up, had a blow-up with a friend that got swept under the rug instead of fully processed, or slowly faded away from a friendship instead of talking things through? 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