{"id":7970,"date":"2023-10-07T02:21:04","date_gmt":"2023-10-06T19:21:04","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/loudhdtv.com\/?p=7970"},"modified":"2023-10-07T02:21:04","modified_gmt":"2023-10-06T19:21:04","slug":"how-to-accept-differences-in-a-relationship","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/loudhdtv.com\/?p=7970","title":{"rendered":"How To Accept Differences in a Relationship"},"content":{"rendered":"<p> <script async src=\"https:\/\/pagead2.googlesyndication.com\/pagead\/js\/adsbygoogle.js?client=ca-pub-3711241968723425\"\r\n     crossorigin=\"anonymous\"><\/script><br \/>\n<\/p>\n<div>\n<p> <span class=\"drop-cap__first text-dropcap \">W<\/span>e have gotten conflicting relationship advice. On the one hand, many of us have been told that we shouldn\u2019t try to change our partners. And on the other hand, we are often encouraged to support our partners in becoming the best version of themselves they can be. But what if your definition of the \u201cbest\u201d is different from theirs? How can you learn to accept the differences in your relationship while still supporting a partner&#8217;s growth?<\/p>\n<p>As a modern love therapist and support circle facilitator, I often witness people in romantic relationships who believe that their partner thinks like they do and should therefore act like they do, too. For instance, you might think that your stressed-out partner should try to spend less time working because when <em>you<\/em> reduce your work hours, you feel more at ease. However, your partner may look at their life and see the solution for stress very differently. By a similar token, if you get quiet when you feel sad, you might assume that whenever your partner is quiet, they&#8217;re also sad\u2014when in reality, they might just be feeling relaxed. These examples illustrate the ways in which we tend to overlay our experiences onto others in an attempt to understand the world around us.<\/p>\n<p>It&#8217;s only natural for the brain to assume that our reality is the objective reality, after all. Given that its job is to predict outcomes in order to help keep us safe, the <a href=\"https:\/\/hbr.org\/2021\/09\/our-brains-were-not-built-for-this-much-uncertainty\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"https:\/\/hbr.org\/2021\/09\/our-brains-were-not-built-for-this-much-uncertainty\">brain craves a sense of certainty<\/a>; such objectivity gives us the comfortable illusion that we are fully in control of our relationships and our circumstances.<\/p>\n<p>But the truth is that, as writer Anais Nin wrote, \u201cWe don\u2019t see things as <em>they<\/em> are; we see things as <em>we<\/em> are.\u201d Indeed,\u00a0research shows that <a href=\"https:\/\/clicks.trx-hub.com\/xid\/leafgroup_ca5e0_wellgood?q=https%3A%2F%2Fgo.skimresources.com%3Fid%3D104860X1561639%26xs%3D1%26xcust%3DSTMSLS-1120119%26url%3Dhttps%253A%252F%252Fwww.nature.com%252Farticles%252Fs41562-019-0637-z&amp;p=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.wellandgood.com%2Fhow-to-accept-differences-in-relationship%2F&amp;event_type=click\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"https:\/\/www.nature.com\/articles\/s41562-019-0637-z\" data-type=\"affiliateLink\">the way we view the world depends on our <em>own<\/em> identities, emotions, lived experiences, and desires<\/a>. And those are unlikely to match up perfectly with those of a partner.<\/p>\n<blockquote>\n<p>While pushing back against differences in a relationship can create conflict and distance, learning how to accept them can add more richness and wisdom to your partnership.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<p>While pushing back against those differences can create conflict and distance in a relationship, learning how to accept them can do just the opposite, adding more richness and wisdom to your partnership. Indeed, you don&#8217;t have to change your own perspective or push your partner to change theirs, and <a href=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/what-is-relationship-compatibility\/\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/what-is-relationship-compatibility\/\">sameness doesn&#8217;t equal relational compatibility<\/a>; embracing some differences in your relationship can help rather than hurt your connection.<\/p>\n<div class=\"related-content \" style=\"\" data-module-init=\"related-content\" data-module-immediate=\"\" v-cloak=\"\">\n<div class=\"related-content__wrapper \" v-cloak=\"\" :class=\"{'is-loaded':isLoaded}\">\n<p> <span class=\"inline pr-6 text-seafoam-dark\">Related Stories<\/span> <\/p>\n<p> <related-content class=\"related-content__links\" parent-article-permalink=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/how-to-accept-differences-in-relationship\/\" current-title=\"How To Accept a Partner\u2019s Differences, and Why Your Relationship Can Be All the Better for It\" current-image=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/10\/Ezequiel-Gime\u0301nez-1-425x285_418x278_true_70.webp\" v-on:parsely-posts-loaded=\"onPostsLoaded\" start-date=\"2023-04-06\" tag=\"div\" inline-template=\"\" url=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/how-to-accept-differences-in-relationship\/\" secret=\"w5ztterVB03LGZJLfXS0hf3EvQBuFFIWew9hmVQxthU\" apikey=\"wellandgood.com\" limit=\"3\"> <\/p>\n<div>\n<div class=\"related-content__card mb-[10px] sm:mb-[20px]\" :class=\"{'related-content__card--full':posts.length === 1}\" v-for=\"(post, key) in posts\"> <a v-on:click.prevent=\"trackLinkGA($event, key)\" :href=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/how-to-accept-differences-in-relationship\/post.url\" data-url-source=\"related-content\" class=\"related-content__link\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"\"> <\/p>\n<div class=\"related-content__card--image bg-tan\" :style=\"{ backgroundImage: 'url(' + post.image_url + ')' }\"> <img :src=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/how-to-accept-differences-in-relationship\/post.image_url\" :alt=\"post.title\"\/> <\/div>\n<p> <\/a>  <\/div>\n<\/p><\/div>\n<p> <\/related-content> <\/div>\n<\/p><\/div>\n<p>The only caveat is if the differences at stake involve your core values. For example, you value transparency, and your partner values privacy, or you value collectivism, and they value individualism. Noticing these differences may prompt you to try to get your partner to join you in your value system, rather than having to feel the feelings associated with misalignment\u2014which is actually the information you need to get clear about if this relationship is right for you.<\/p>\n<p>Take some time to <a href=\"https:\/\/www.betterup.com\/blog\/values-in-a-relationship\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener nofollow\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"https:\/\/www.betterup.com\/blog\/values-in-a-relationship\">consider their core values<\/a> in juxtaposition with yours, and assess whether you&#8217;re living in alignment by being with your partner. Notice your similarities and differences, and discuss how you feel about the differences. Do these feel like differences you can live with? If the answer is &#8220;no,&#8221; it&#8217;s time to consider what&#8217;s preventing you from letting this person go. But if it&#8217;s &#8220;yes,&#8221; learning to integrate your way of seeing the world with your partner&#8217;s\u2014rather than attempting to fit theirs into yours\u2014can actually enhance your partnership.<\/p>\n<h2>How to accept certain differences in your relationship<\/h2>\n<h3>Lean into differentiation<\/h3>\n<p>Scientifically, differentiation is the process that our cells undergo as they evolve, helping them become distinct and specialized. As individuals, we undergo a similar process as we grow up. For example, as many of us move from childhood into adolescence, we begin to question our caregivers&#8217; beliefs and form our own. In our adult relationships, we are constantly juggling our need for togetherness with our need for separateness.<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/www.psychologytoday.com\/us\/blog\/the-other-side-relationships\/202004\/differentiation-is-the-crucial-relationship-skill-you-need\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener nofollow\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"https:\/\/www.psychologytoday.com\/us\/blog\/the-other-side-relationships\/202004\/differentiation-is-the-crucial-relationship-skill-you-need\">Healthy differentiation<\/a> is the ability to be in constant contact with your personal thoughts, values, and feelings, while also being close to the thoughts, values, and feelings of another. Consider the image of a rooted oak tree with flexible branches that sway in the wind: We want to be able to reach toward our partners, but from a place of feeling grounded in ourselves.<\/p>\n<p>If you\u2019re noticing a desire to be the same or experience constant togetherness with your partner, it might be helpful to consider: What is it about our differences that scares me? Instead of focusing on these differences as flaws within my partner, how can I focus on the parts of me that I want to enhance or embrace?<\/p>\n<h3>Learn to be comfortable with disliking aspects of your partner<\/h3>\n<p>Choosing to be with someone doesn\u2019t mean liking everything about them. Learning how to accept the differences in a relationship can mean simply embracing the way someone is by being with them, and then noticing your own reactions, emotions, and impulses without acting on them immediately. It means paying more attention to how <em>we<\/em> are in the presence of things we don\u2019t like, rather than trying to fix the behavior of another.<\/p>\n<p>For example, you may not like that your partner is quiet in groups. Instead of focusing on their silence, notice what comes up for you in these instances. Are you afraid your partner\u2019s silence is something that reflects negatively on you? Does quietness trigger a negative memory or association for you? This internal investigation will allow you to determine if the thing you dislike is about <em>them,<\/em> or if it\u2019s really about <em>you<\/em>.<\/p>\n<h3>Seek to understand before being understood<\/h3>\n<p>In order to accept something, we first have to have some understanding of it. Many times when we dislike something, our inclination is to reject it. If you don\u2019t like that your partner smokes cigarettes, for example, you might distance yourself from the behavior rather than try to get to know what might underlie it.<\/p>\n<p>Therapist and artist <a href=\"https:\/\/www.benjaminseaman.com\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener nofollow\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"https:\/\/www.benjaminseaman.com\">Benjamin Seaman<\/a> defines judgment as, \u201cour minds attempting to put something we find threatening into a box we can easily recognize, so we can avoid it.\u201d Instead of avoiding the thing you don\u2019t like, consider doing the opposite by getting curious about it and moving closer. Ask your partner what they like about smoking. How does it help them? What does it feel like before they have a cigarette? How does it feel after?<\/p>\n<p>If we operate under the assumption that certain behaviors may have harmful effects but good intentions, those behaviors tend to soften, allowing us to get closer to them. Once your partner feels like you are approaching them with curiosity, rather than judgment, they are more likely to let you in. Ironically, it\u2019s often acceptance of the way things are that can ultimately open up the possibility for change.<\/p>\n<h3>Decide if being right is more important to you than being together<\/h3>\n<p>There are times when we want our partners to validate that the way we see things is right. We want them to recollect experiences in the same way as we do. Some of us want to be \u201cright\u201d because this has been a strategy to help us avoid disappointment. Others want to be \u201cright\u201d because it helped us solidify our position in a social hierarchy and got us respect.<\/p>\n<p>Yet, what I have found as a modern love therapist is that the more we can lean into the reality that there are multiple ways of seeing things and approach differences with respect and curiosity, the more likely we are to come to consensus or feel more ease about having diverse truths.<\/p>\n<div class=\"block-thin post-citations mt-[40px] mb-[30px]\" data-module-init=\"main-2020\/post-citations\" data-module-immediate=\"true\">\n<hr class=\"!border-seafoam-dark mb-[24px]\"\/>\n<div class=\"post-citations-content flex flex-col gap-[24px]\">\n<p>Well+Good articles reference scientific, reliable, recent, robust studies to back up the information we share. You can trust us along your wellness journey.<\/p>\n<div>\n<ol class=\"!ml-[18px] !mt-0\">\n<li>\n              Leong, Yuan Chang et al. \u201cNeurocomputational mechanisms underlying motivated seeing.\u201d\u00a0<i>Nature human behaviour<\/i>\u00a0vol. 3,9 (2019): 962-973. doi:10.1038\/s41562-019-0637-z            <\/li>\n<\/ol><\/div>\n<\/p><\/div>\n<hr class=\"!border-seafoam-dark mt-[24px]\"\/>\n  <\/div>\n<\/p><\/div>\n<div data-type=\"_mgwidget\" data-widget-id=\"1675549\">\r\n<\/div>\r\n<script>(function(w,q){w[q]=w[q]||[];w[q].push([\"_mgc.load\"])})(window,\"_mgq\");\r\n<\/script>\r\n\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>We have gotten conflicting relationship advice. On the one hand, many of us have been told that we shouldn\u2019t try to change our partners. And on the other hand, we are often encouraged to support our partners in becoming the best version of themselves they can be. But what if your definition of the \u201cbest\u201d &hellip;<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":7971,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[4],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-7970","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-health"],"aioseo_notices":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/loudhdtv.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7970","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/loudhdtv.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/loudhdtv.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/loudhdtv.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/loudhdtv.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=7970"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/loudhdtv.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7970\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/loudhdtv.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/7971"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/loudhdtv.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=7970"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/loudhdtv.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=7970"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/loudhdtv.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=7970"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}