{"id":7815,"date":"2023-09-30T20:14:29","date_gmt":"2023-09-30T13:14:29","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/loudhdtv.com\/?p=7815"},"modified":"2023-09-30T20:14:29","modified_gmt":"2023-09-30T13:14:29","slug":"ask-vs-guess-culture-explains-communication-issues","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/loudhdtv.com\/?p=7815","title":{"rendered":"Ask vs Guess Culture Explains Communication Issues"},"content":{"rendered":"<p> <script async src=\"https:\/\/pagead2.googlesyndication.com\/pagead\/js\/adsbygoogle.js?client=ca-pub-3711241968723425\"\r\n     crossorigin=\"anonymous\"><\/script><br \/>\n<\/p>\n<div>\n<p> <span class=\"drop-cap__first text-dropcap \">Y<\/span>our coworker got a new apartment, and she\u2019s spent all month telling everyone in the office how excited she is to move in. Then, on Friday afternoon, she corners you by the espresso machine to ask a favor: <em>Can you help me move this weekend?<\/em><\/p>\n<p>Wait. What? The forecast calls for rain, you have plans, and to be completely honest, it\u2019s not like you\u2019re best friends. Has your work friend crossed a line and asked you a completely inappropriate question? Your reaction to this situation depends entirely on whether you\u2019re an Asker or a Guesser.<\/p>\n<p>The concept of Askers and Guessers has floated around the internet for years. Interestingly, its origins are not from a psychology textbook, but from a <a href=\"https:\/\/ask.metafilter.com\/55153\/Whats-the-middle-ground-between-FU-and-Welcome#830421\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" rel=\"nofollow\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"https:\/\/ask.metafilter.com\/55153\/Whats-the-middle-ground-between-FU-and-Welcome#830421\">2007 message board comment<\/a> by a user named Andrea Donderi.<\/p>\n<hr\/>\n<hr\/>\n<p>\u201cIn some families, you grow up with the expectation that it\u2019s OK to ask for anything at all, but you gotta realize you might get \u2018no\u2019 for an answer,\u201d Donderi wrote in her post. \u201cThis is Ask Culture.\u201d On the other hand, someone who has grown up with what she deemed as \u201cGuess Culture\u201d will \u201cavoid putting a request into words unless you\u2019re pretty sure the answer will be \u2018yes.\u2019\u201d Donderi posited that these two very different ways of asking for a favor can create all sorts of misunderstandings in both personal and professional relationships.<\/p>\n<div class=\"related-content \" style=\"\" data-module-init=\"related-content\" data-module-immediate=\"\" v-cloak=\"\">\n<div class=\"related-content__wrapper \" v-cloak=\"\" :class=\"{'is-loaded':isLoaded}\">\n<p> <span class=\"inline pr-6 text-seafoam-dark\">Related Stories<\/span> <\/p>\n<p> <related-content class=\"related-content__links\" parent-article-permalink=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/ask-vs-guess-culture\/\" current-title=\"Are You the \u2018Asker\u2019 or the \u2018Guesser\u2019 in Your Relationships? Here\u2019s How To Tell\u2014And Why It Matters\" current-image=\"GettyImages-ask-vs-guess-culture-Milko-425x285.jpeg\" v-on:parsely-posts-loaded=\"onPostsLoaded\" start-date=\"2023-03-30\" tag=\"div\" inline-template=\"\" url=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/ask-vs-guess-culture\/\" secret=\"w5ztterVB03LGZJLfXS0hf3EvQBuFFIWew9hmVQxthU\" apikey=\"wellandgood.com\" limit=\"3\"> <\/p>\n<div>\n<div class=\"related-content__card mb-[10px] sm:mb-[20px]\" :class=\"{'related-content__card--full':posts.length === 1}\" v-for=\"(post, key) in posts\"> <a v-on:click.prevent=\"trackLinkGA($event, key)\" :href=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/ask-vs-guess-culture\/post.url\" data-url-source=\"related-content\" class=\"related-content__link\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"\"> <\/p>\n<div class=\"related-content__card--image bg-tan\" :style=\"{ backgroundImage: 'url(' + post.image_url + ')' }\"> <img :src=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/ask-vs-guess-culture\/post.image_url\" :alt=\"post.title\"\/> <\/div>\n<p> <\/a>  <\/div>\n<\/p><\/div>\n<p> <\/related-content> <\/div>\n<\/p><\/div>\n<p>Since its initial publication, Donderi\u2019s comment (along with the concept it raised) has surged in popularity over the years, leading to deeper discussions about Askers and Guessers in <a href=\"https:\/\/www.theatlantic.com\/national\/archive\/2010\/05\/askers-vs-guessers\/340891\/\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" rel=\"nofollow\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"https:\/\/www.theatlantic.com\/national\/archive\/2010\/05\/askers-vs-guessers\/340891\/\"><em>The Atlantic<\/em><\/a>, <a href=\"https:\/\/www.theguardian.com\/lifeandstyle\/2010\/may\/08\/change-life-asker-guesser\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" rel=\"nofollow\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"https:\/\/www.theguardian.com\/lifeandstyle\/2010\/may\/08\/change-life-asker-guesser\"><em>The Guardian<\/em><\/a> and <a href=\"https:\/\/newrepublic.com\/article\/74900\/ask-dont-guess\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" rel=\"nofollow\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"https:\/\/newrepublic.com\/article\/74900\/ask-dont-guess\"><em>The New Republic<\/em><\/a>. (More recently, the debate about Ask vs. Guess culture has resurfaced on <a href=\"https:\/\/www.tiktok.com\/@maryrobinettekowal\/video\/7099897861491412270?lang=en\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" rel=\"nofollow\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"https:\/\/www.tiktok.com\/@maryrobinettekowal\/video\/7099897861491412270?lang=en\">TikTok<\/a>.) Although the concept of Askers and Guessers came from an internet forum (and does not reflect officially recognized personality \u201ctypes\u201d) some psychology experts buy into it as well\u2014and say understanding the differences between the two camps can help clear up communication issues at work, at home, and everywhere in between.<\/p>\n<h2>What is the difference between an Asker and a Guesser?<\/h2>\n<p>In general, experts say Askers and Guessers have very different ways of communicating, and it might all come down to their formative experiences in childhood.<\/p>\n<p>First, the Askers. \u201cThese types of people may be more blunt and straightforward,\u201d explains <a href=\"https:\/\/www.reenabpatel.com\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" rel=\"nofollow\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"https:\/\/www.reenabpatel.com\">Reena B. Patel, LEP, BCBA<\/a>, an educational psychologist and behavior analyst. The hypothetical work friend from our earlier example\u2014who doesn\u2019t hesitate to ask for help moving on a rainy Saturday\u2014is probably an Asker. \u201c[Askers] need to get something checked off their list and will ask for help to achieve that goal effectively.\u201d Askers are much less concerned about the reaction of the person they\u2019re asking, and more about accomplishing the task at hand. If the Asker gets a no, it\u2019s not a big deal; they\u2019ll just ask someone else until they get a \u201cyes.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Guessers, on the other hand, have a more external focus when it comes to asking for help. \u201cGuessers may be worried about imposing on others and [concerned] about the answer they are going to get,\u201d says Patel. Therefore, a Guesser rarely asks for a favor unless they have to. They\u2019d most likely never ask a casual acquaintance for help moving, and would much rather hire a moving company or do it themselves if necessary. \u201cGuessers most likely will not ask the question unless they are certain it wouldn&#8217;t be a major inconvenience [to] the person they are asking,\u201d Patel adds.<\/p>\n<blockquote>\n<p>&#8220;[Askers] need to get something checked off their list and will ask for help to achieve that goal effectively&#8230; Guessers most likely will not ask the question unless they are certain it wouldn&#8217;t be a major inconvenience [to] the person they are asking.&#8221; \u2014Reena B. Patel, LEP, BCBA, educational psychologist<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<p>Like so many other human behaviors, an Asker or Guesser may have adopted these communication styles as a result of their upbringing. For instance, a Guesser may have learned to walk on eggshells to avoid upsetting a parent in an abusive or unstable household. But <a href=\"https:\/\/www.drdonnamarino.com\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" rel=\"nofollow\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"https:\/\/www.drdonnamarino.com\">Donna Marino, PsyD<\/a>, notes that these habits might develop not because Askers and Guessers always have drastically different formative experiences, but because of their unique perceptions of the asking styles of people around them.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAn Asker may observe a parent who is brusque and asks for what they want, but always seems to get it and is then influenced to do the same,\u201d says Dr. Marino. \u201cThe Guesser could be a child in the very same family who watches the same situation, but perhaps they are more tuned in to the social-emotional dynamics and notices how the Asker parent is received negatively by other people. While the parent gets what they want, they aren&#8217;t well-liked or don&#8217;t have good relationships.\u201d So, in a nutshell, the Asker will typically prioritize results, while the Guesser will prioritize the feelings of others.<\/p>\n<p>Let\u2019s go back to your work friend\u2019s last-minute request for help moving. If being asked for a favor like this feels so cringey it makes you want to hide in the office bathroom, you\u2019re probably a Guesser. If you don\u2019t feel that much discomfort about being asked (hey, no harm done, right?), you\u2019re probably an Asker.<\/p>\n<p>If you tend to be direct, insistent, comfortable asking multiple people until you get a \u201cyes\u201d and tend to speak off-the-cuff without much planning, you\u2019re likely to be an Asker, explains clinical and educational psychologist <a href=\"https:\/\/aurapriscel.com\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" rel=\"nofollow\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"https:\/\/aurapriscel.com\">Aura Priscel<\/a>. Meanwhile, if you put a lot of thought into what you\u2019d like to say, try to avoid rejection, and care about being perceived as rude or blunt, you\u2019re more likely to be a Guesser.<\/p>\n<p>Another way to tell whether you\u2019re an Asker or a Guesser? It\u2019s pretty simple, says Dr. Marino. If you are a Guesser, you are likely to be extremely self-aware, so it would already be obvious to you that you\u2019re a Guesser. If you have to ask, well\u2026you\u2019re probably an Asker.<\/p>\n<h2>Why do Askers and Guessers clash so much?<\/h2>\n<p>Askers and Guessers have wildly different styles when it comes to asking for assistance. And naturally, this can (and often does) lead to a conflict between the two personalities.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThe Asker may be frustrated that the Guesser is not just coming out and asking for what they want or need, and may feel that they have to be a mind reader,\u201d says Dr. Marino. \u201cThe Guesser may develop resentment for not having their needs met and at the same time be put off by and even feel burdened or resentful of the Asker\u2019s requests.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>For instance, in a romantic relationship, a Guesser may feel that their Asker partner is moving too quickly, but be uncomfortable requesting to slow things down. Meanwhile, the Asker might speed ahead in the relationship without considering the feelings of the Guesser. (<em>Hey, it doesn\u2019t hurt to ask if he wants to come back to my place. He can always say \u201cno.\u201d)<\/em> On the other hand, two Guessers might spend months in a relationship standstill because they are both too afraid of rejection to move forward. <em>(It\u2019s been a year and we still haven\u2019t said \u201cI love you.\u201d But now it\u2019s too awkward to bring up.) <\/em>Two Askers may have the opposite problem, leading to a whirlwind romance that self-destructs before it even gets started.<\/p>\n<blockquote>\n<p>&#8220;With consistent practice, Guessers will get more comfortable and may find themselves becoming able to say things even more directly.&#8221; \u2014Donna Marino, PsyD<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<p>Askers and Guessers might also run into snags when they\u2019re working together professionally. \u201cGuessers will think about the questions they need to ask supervisors all day and it can really mess with their productivity and well-being at work,\u201d says Patel. And if your supervisor is an Asker, they might assign you a large workload, assuming you\u2019ll speak up and say \u201cno\u201d if there\u2019s too much on your plate. (Of course, being a Guesser, you probably won\u2019t.)<\/p>\n<p>Meanwhile, Askers excel at quick, direct communication, and that can be a helpful strength to have in an office environment. \u201cAskers are often extremely efficient and people might look up to them for their confidence and delivery [at work,]\u201d Patel adds. On the other hand, that assurance can sometimes be perceived as rudeness or arrogance, especially by a Guesser. \u201cThey do need to watch themselves to make sure they don\u2019t cross the line and think before they speak in the office environment.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Friendships can get extra sticky between Askers and Guessers, because the energy dynamic can start to feel uneven. \u201cAskers will almost always have an opinion and ask for what they need,\u201d Dr. Patel explains. \u201cGuessers will often think about both of their perspectives and want to do what\u2019s best for both of them. Over time, this may make the [friendship] feel one-sided.\u201d Ever heard of <a href=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/energy-vampires-protection\/\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/energy-vampires-protection\/\">energy vampires<\/a>? You might be feeling this way simply because your friend is an Asker who isn\u2019t aware of your boundaries and you\u2019re a Guesser who is having some difficulty setting them.<\/p>\n<h2>How to communicate effectively in Ask vs. Guess culture<\/h2>\n<p>Yes, Askers and Guessers can frequently run into challenges navigating their very different communication styles. But they\u2019re not doomed to constant Mercury-in-retrograde vibes\u2014so long as they\u2019re willing to do some work to meet in the middle.<\/p>\n<h3>If you\u2019re an Asker:<\/h3>\n<h3><strong style=\"font-family: 'PT Serif', serif; font-size: 16px;\">1. Pay attention to body language and social cues<\/strong><\/h3>\n<p>Often, an Asker is so focused on getting a \u201cyes\u201d that they might forget to check and make sure the person they\u2019re talking to isn\u2019t offended or uncomfortable. In the eyes of the Asker, this person can always say \u201cno.\u201d What\u2019s the big deal? But if that person is a Guesser, setting a boundary can be extremely difficult, especially if they\u2019re caught off-guard by a surprise question that feels like it\u2019s come out of left field.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAskers need to pay more attention to noticing people&#8217;s non-verbal cues like facial expression, body language, tone of voice, or hesitancy before responding,\u201d says Dr. Marino. She adds that it might be helpful for Askers to keep a tally of how often they ask for help from others. Have you asked to use your roommate\u2019s salad dressing three times this week? It might be time to buy your own bottle.<\/p>\n<p><strong>2. Put yourself in the Guesser\u2019s shoes<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Askers might assume that it\u2019s no problem for most people to firmly say \u201cno\u201d to a request. If they don\u2019t want to do it, why wouldn\u2019t they just say so? If this is you, make a habit of pausing to think before you ask someone else for something, while keeping in mind that not everyone can say \u201cno\u201d as easily as you can for a variety of reasons. Is this something that has the potential to be fun or rewarding for this person? Is this something that only this particular person can help you with? Is this an emergency? If so, go ahead and ask your work friend if she can help you move this weekend. If not, you might want to ask a closer friend\u2026or better yet, hire a professional moving company.<\/p>\n<h3>If you\u2019re a Guesser:<\/h3>\n<h3><strong style=\"font-family: 'PT Serif', serif; font-size: 16px;\">1. Practice saying \u201cno\u201d<\/strong><\/h3>\n<p>Guessers rarely put someone else in the position to have to say \u201cno,\u201d so it won\u2019t come as a surprise that turning down a request can be tricky for them. Priscel suggests practicing saying \u201cno\u201d as often as possible. It may be helpful to practice when the stakes are low, like when the dental receptionist asks if you can take a 2:00 dentist appointment when you want a morning slot.<\/p>\n<p>Dr. Marino suggests writing a few scripts, so you won\u2019t get too flustered while setting a boundary. \u201cWith consistent practice, Guessers will get more comfortable and may find themselves becoming able to say things even more directly, like, &#8216;No, thanks, I&#8217;d rather just stay in tonight,&#8217; or &#8216;Actually, I don&#8217;t enjoy doing that,'&#8221; she explains.<\/p>\n<p>Sometimes, says Priscel, Askers will double down on their request. \u201cGuessers need to reinforce the \u2018no,\u2019 be clear in their answers and stand firm in their position,\u201d she advises.<\/p>\n<p><strong>2. Lean into discomfort<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Often, Guessers will bend over backward to keep a friend or family member from feeling uncomfortable and thus say yes to something they don\u2019t want to do or have time to do. But when a Guesser starts practicing boundary setting, it might feel <em>more<\/em> uncomfortable than just agreeing to help a co-worker move in the rain, at least at first. Dr. Marino recommends explaining what\u2019s going on to a close family member or friend that you trust. Tell them you\u2019re working on saying \u201cno,\u201d and that you would like to start practicing with them. Admitting you\u2019re feeling uncomfortable, in this case, might actually <em>alleviate<\/em> some of those feelings of discomfort, she explains.<\/p>\n<\/p><\/div>\n<div data-type=\"_mgwidget\" data-widget-id=\"1675549\">\r\n<\/div>\r\n<script>(function(w,q){w[q]=w[q]||[];w[q].push([\"_mgc.load\"])})(window,\"_mgq\");\r\n<\/script>\r\n\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Your coworker got a new apartment, and she\u2019s spent all month telling everyone in the office how excited she is to move in. Then, on Friday afternoon, she corners you by the espresso machine to ask a favor: Can you help me move this weekend? Wait. What? The forecast calls for rain, you have plans, &hellip;<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":7816,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[4],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-7815","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-health"],"aioseo_notices":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/loudhdtv.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7815","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/loudhdtv.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/loudhdtv.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/loudhdtv.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/loudhdtv.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=7815"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/loudhdtv.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7815\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/loudhdtv.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/7816"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/loudhdtv.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=7815"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/loudhdtv.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=7815"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/loudhdtv.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=7815"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}