{"id":6785,"date":"2023-08-23T06:54:43","date_gmt":"2023-08-22T23:54:43","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/loudhdtv.com\/?p=6785"},"modified":"2023-08-23T06:54:43","modified_gmt":"2023-08-22T23:54:43","slug":"how-parallel-play-can-strengthen-your-relationship","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/loudhdtv.com\/?p=6785","title":{"rendered":"How &#8216;Parallel Play&#8217; Can Strengthen Your Relationship"},"content":{"rendered":"<p> <script async src=\"https:\/\/pagead2.googlesyndication.com\/pagead\/js\/adsbygoogle.js?client=ca-pub-3711241968723425\"\r\n     crossorigin=\"anonymous\"><\/script><br \/>\n<\/p>\n<div>\n<p> <span class=\"drop-cap__first text-dropcap \">W<\/span>hen I think about my best friend, I\u2019m taken back to afternoons in high school spent studying on her floor while she watched episodes of <em>Gilmore Girls<\/em> in bed. These days, when she visits me in Los Angeles, we\u2019ll sit side-by-side on my couch doing nothing that pertains to each other while simultaneously basking in the comfort of our proximity.<\/p>\n<p>While I think our friendship is pretty special (I\u2019m biased), as a therapist, I know that \u201cbeing alone together\u201d with a friend isn\u2019t rare or new. In clinical circles, it\u2019s considered the adult version of \u201cparallel play,\u201d a term coined by sociologist Mildred Parten in her 1929 dissertation on the types of <a href=\"https:\/\/psycnet.apa.org\/record\/1933-03543-001\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"https:\/\/psycnet.apa.org\/record\/1933-03543-001\">social interaction<\/a> among preschoolers. Parallel play, as she described it, is a shared social experience in which children play near each other, but not <em>with <\/em>each other.<\/p>\n<hr\/>\n<hr\/>\n<p>Typically beginning around the age of two, parallel play reflects a child\u2019s maturation from solitary onlooker to observant, cooperative social being. According to Parten, it also helps them develop social skills, increase their confidence, and find new ways to express themselves\u2014all of which are things we, too, can experience in adult relationships when we engage in a version of parallel play.<\/p>\n<p>You might know this to be true in your platonic friendships; after all, a commonly cited mark of a good friendship is the ability to share each other\u2019s time and space without really doing anything at all. But the same can be said for parallel play in our romantic relationships, too\u2014which I find is often a missing piece for couples who <a href=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/what-is-enmeshment\/\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/what-is-enmeshment\/\">feel either too intertwined<\/a> <em>or<\/em> too independent from each other.<\/p>\n<div class=\"related-content \" style=\"\" data-module-init=\"related-content\" data-module-immediate=\"\" v-cloak=\"\">\n<div class=\"related-content__wrapper \" v-cloak=\"\" :class=\"{'is-loaded':isLoaded}\">\n<p> <span class=\"inline pr-6 text-seafoam-dark\">Related Stories<\/span> <\/p>\n<p> <related-content class=\"related-content__links\" parent-article-permalink=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/parallel-play-relationship\/\" current-title=\"Why Therapists Say That \u2018Being Alone Together\u2019 (AKA Parallel Play) Can Majorly Strengthen Your Relationship\" current-image=\"UCA-films-425x285.jpg\" v-on:parsely-posts-loaded=\"onPostsLoaded\" start-date=\"2023-02-22\" tag=\"div\" inline-template=\"\" url=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/parallel-play-relationship\/\" secret=\"w5ztterVB03LGZJLfXS0hf3EvQBuFFIWew9hmVQxthU\" apikey=\"wellandgood.com\" limit=\"3\"> <\/p>\n<div>\n<div class=\"related-content__card mb-[10px] sm:mb-[20px]\" :class=\"{'related-content__card--full':posts.length === 1}\" v-for=\"(post, key) in posts\"> <a v-on:click.prevent=\"trackLinkGA($event, key)\" :href=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/parallel-play-relationship\/post.url\" data-url-source=\"related-content\" class=\"related-content__link\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"\"> <\/p>\n<div class=\"related-content__card--image bg-tan\" :style=\"{ backgroundImage: 'url(' + post.image_url + ')' }\"> <img :src=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/parallel-play-relationship\/post.image_url\" :alt=\"post.title\"\/> <\/div>\n<p> <\/a>  <\/div>\n<\/p><\/div>\n<p> <\/related-content> <\/div>\n<\/p><\/div>\n<p>When I ask couples who are struggling with their relationship about how they spend their time together, this is the kind of feedback I hear: \u201cHe cares more about video games than he does about me,\u201d or, \u201cI feel like being in this relationship means I don\u2019t get any time to myself.\u201d Comments like these fall at opposite ends of the connection spectrum, but to me, they point to the same potential solution: making like two-year-olds and adding some parallel play to the relationship.<\/p>\n<h2>Why practicing parallel play is crucial in romantic relationships<\/h2>\n<p>In any healthy relationship, there\u2019s room for both quality time spent together <em>and <\/em><a href=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/personal-space-in-relationship\/\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/personal-space-in-relationship\/\">separately<\/a>. After all, each serves a distinct purpose, the former allowing you to bond with your partner and the latter <a href=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/have-common-hobbies-with-your-partner\/\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/have-common-hobbies-with-your-partner\/\">ensuring you maintain your sense of self<\/a>. But there\u2019s also a kind of interaction that falls somewhere in between these two extremes\u2014one that reflects a looser sort of connection than engaging in a shared activity, but that still underscores a foundation of closeness.<\/p>\n<p>Parallel play encompasses that middle ground. By creating space for each of you to pursue your own interests while also appreciating each other\u2019s company, parallel play \u201ccan facilitate both increased independence and closeness between partners,\u201d says psychotherapist <a href=\"https:\/\/www.psychologytoday.com\/us\/therapists\/sarah-e-breen-los-angeles-ca\/768305\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener nofollow\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"https:\/\/www.psychologytoday.com\/us\/therapists\/sarah-e-breen-los-angeles-ca\/768305\">Sarah E. Breen, LCSW<\/a>.<\/p>\n<blockquote>\n<p>\u201cParallel play can facilitate both increased independence and closeness between partners.\u201d \u2014Sarah E. Breen, LCSW, psychotherapist<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<p>There\u2019s a certain kind of comfort in knowing that you\u2019re free to do your own thing, but also, your partner is right there next to you, if you need or want anything; it\u2019s not about ignoring each other so much as it is allowing room for solo pursuits with the option for you to engage intermittently. In this way, parallel play is a strategy couples can use to promote a predictable, nurturing environment and <a href=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/insecure-attachment\/\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/insecure-attachment\/\">build secure attachment<\/a>, or a way of relating to a partner that involves both healthy autonomy <em>and<\/em> the ability to count on others.<\/p>\n<p>The fact that interacting is optional when you\u2019re embracing parallel play in a relationship can also lessen some of the social pressure you might otherwise feel spending time in someone else\u2019s company. \u201cParallel play is a way for you and your partner to connect while decompressing from the stresses of daily life, not [risk] ramping up distress by requesting each other&#8217;s undivided attention,\u201d says psychotherapist <a href=\"https:\/\/www.carriecovell.com\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener nofollow\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"https:\/\/www.carriecovell.com\/\">Carrie Covell, LCSW<\/a>.<\/p>\n<p>Not to mention, the need to agree on a single activity to do whenever you\u2019re spending time together can be its own stressor. Parallel play permits couples to take a break from the (often necessary) act of compromising by ensuring space for both partners\u2019 needs in a given moment, says Breen.<\/p>\n<p>That\u2019s important because even the most compatible partners will have needs that differ\u2014either in general, or depending on factors like mood and energy level. For example, I like to say (albeit dramatically) that after a long day of therapy sessions, I need three hours of staring at a white wall to decompress. My partner? After work, he\u2019s immediately ready for a rewatch marathon of <em>The Office.<\/em><\/p>\n<p>It\u2019s not that I don\u2019t like <em>The Office<\/em>. I\u2019ll no doubt be begging him to turn it on after I have a moment with my favorite bit of drywall. It\u2019s about knowing myself and my need for a sensory break after listening and engaging all day. Instead of having to choose between white-wall heaven and quality time with my partner, I can suggest parallel play to strike a balance: This way, I can sit quietly and zone out in the same space as my partner, while he enjoys his TV time.<\/p>\n<p>It may seem paradoxical at first blush, but having the flexibility to explore your own interests and meet your own sensory needs can also help build your willingness to subsequently respect and focus on your partner\u2019s needs when that time comes, says Breen. In that way, parallel play isn\u2019t just a low-pressure way to spend time with a partner; it can also help you fill your own cup so you\u2019re better equipped to fill your partner\u2019s, too.<\/p>\n<h2>3 parallel play tips to help you get started<\/h2>\n<h3>1. Define parallel play activities with your partner<\/h3>\n<p>To get the most out of parallel play in your relationship, it\u2019s helpful for you and your partner to agree on what types of activities can work for this side-by-side hangout (and what types can\u2019t). As Covell explains, \u201cany individually focused activity that doesn&#8217;t require total solitude or risk completely distracting your partner from their own activity is fair game.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Decide beforehand how much time you can both dedicate\u2014so you aren\u2019t distracted by other demands\u2014and what you\u2019ll both do with it, suggests Breen. Remember: The goal is to use this time to nurture a hobby or interest that is uniquely yours (rather than something you and your partner both like and would prefer to engage in together).<\/p>\n<p>Can\u2019t think of anything? Brainstorming activities that might interest or fulfill you for future parallel-play sessions might be the activity in and of itself.<\/p>\n<h3>2. Consider how you\u2019ll be mindful of each other<\/h3>\n<p>Keep in mind that even though parallel play implies some level of independence, availability is still the name of the game. It\u2019s important that both you and your partner know that if one of you wants to share something funny or interesting, the other will be present enough to pay attention and respond, even if just for a brief moment.<\/p>\n<p>That means focusing on the solo activity you\u2019re doing as it exists <em>in the presence <\/em>of your partner (and encouraging your partner to do the same with their activity), rather than just going about it as you would if you were alone. \u201cThis will help ensure your partner doesn\u2019t <a href=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/feeling-alone-in-relationship\/\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/feeling-alone-in-relationship\/\">feel ignored or disconnected from you<\/a> while you do what you\u2019d like nearby,\u201d says Breen.<\/p>\n<p>You can even carry the mindfulness into \u201ctogether\u201d time later by debriefing how parallel play felt for each of you, what you noticed, and when you might want to do it again.<\/p>\n<h3>3. Strike a balance<\/h3>\n<p>Just like spending all your time alone wouldn\u2019t bode well for your relationship, neither will solely practicing parallel play. Remember to balance the time you spend embracing parallel play in your relationship with time spent apart, together, with friends, and in any other way that brings you <a href=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/joy-relationship\/\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/joy-relationship\/\">joy as a couple<\/a>.<\/p>\n<p>In any case, it\u2019s important to remember that parallel play shouldn\u2019t feel like a chore for which you\u2019re both responsible. By contrast, \u201cit\u2019s meant to be a low-stakes activity,\u201d says Covell. Whatever you and your partner do when it comes to your \u201cplay\u201d time, do it with compassion, humor, and appreciation for yourselves and each other for putting in the effort to connect.<\/p>\n<\/p><\/div>\n<div data-type=\"_mgwidget\" data-widget-id=\"1675549\">\r\n<\/div>\r\n<script>(function(w,q){w[q]=w[q]||[];w[q].push([\"_mgc.load\"])})(window,\"_mgq\");\r\n<\/script>\r\n\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>When I think about my best friend, I\u2019m taken back to afternoons in high school spent studying on her floor while she watched episodes of Gilmore Girls in bed. These days, when she visits me in Los Angeles, we\u2019ll sit side-by-side on my couch doing nothing that pertains to each other while simultaneously basking in &hellip;<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":6786,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[4],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-6785","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-health"],"aioseo_notices":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/loudhdtv.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6785","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/loudhdtv.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/loudhdtv.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/loudhdtv.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/loudhdtv.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=6785"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/loudhdtv.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6785\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/loudhdtv.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/6786"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/loudhdtv.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=6785"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/loudhdtv.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=6785"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/loudhdtv.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=6785"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}