{"id":6667,"date":"2023-08-19T02:52:07","date_gmt":"2023-08-18T19:52:07","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/loudhdtv.com\/?p=6667"},"modified":"2023-08-19T02:52:07","modified_gmt":"2023-08-18T19:52:07","slug":"how-a-dont-ask-dont-tell-relationship-really-works","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/loudhdtv.com\/?p=6667","title":{"rendered":"How a &#8216;Don&#8217;t Ask, Don&#8217;t Tell&#8217; Relationship Really Works"},"content":{"rendered":"<p> <script async src=\"https:\/\/pagead2.googlesyndication.com\/pagead\/js\/adsbygoogle.js?client=ca-pub-3711241968723425\"\r\n     crossorigin=\"anonymous\"><\/script><br \/>\n<\/p>\n<div>\n<div class=\"drop-cap text-big text-gray\"> <span class=\"drop-cap__first text-dropcap \">T<\/span>he phrase \u201cdon\u2019t ask, don\u2019t tell\u201d may bring to mind the discriminatory policy from the &#8217;90s that kept LGBTQ+ folks in the U.S. military from sharing information about their sexuality or non-cis gender. But the phrase has another meaning in polyamorous circles: a non-monogamous relationship structure that allows some kinds of physical, sexual, and\/or emotional connections with people outside the core (or <a href=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/types-non-monogamy\/\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/types-non-monogamy\/\">primary<\/a>) relationship.<\/div>\n<p>Thankfully, the former interpretation of \u201cDon\u2019t Ask, Don\u2019t Tell\u201d was <a href=\"https:\/\/www.hrc.org\/our-work\/stories\/repeal-of-dont-ask-dont-tell\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"https:\/\/www.hrc.org\/our-work\/stories\/repeal-of-dont-ask-dont-tell\">repealed by Congress in 2011<\/a>, while the latter is a relationship agreement practiced by many lovers today. But what does a DADT relationship look like exactly? And can it work? Due to the down-low nature of the extra-relationship flings involved, the answers to these basic questions can feel nebulous\u2014so we asked relationship therapists to set the record straight.<\/p>\n<hr\/>\n<hr\/>\n<h2>&#8220;Don\u2019t Ask, Don\u2019t Tell&#8221; relationships, explained<\/h2>\n<p>Don\u2019t Ask, Don\u2019t Tell (DADT) is a relationship agreement where both (or all) people in the relationship have enthusiastically consented to a relationship structure where one or more of the people in the relationship are free to pursue and engage in sexual, romantic, and\/or emotional mingling with someone(s) outside of the relationship.<\/p>\n<p>The catch, however, is that the people in the \u201coriginal\u201d relationship do not discuss these extra-relational connections, and therefore do not know what their partner is up to, explains psychotherapist and sex and relationship expert <a href=\"https:\/\/rachelwrightnyc.com\/about-rachel-wright\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener nofollow\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"https:\/\/rachelwrightnyc.com\/about-rachel-wright\/\">Rachel Wright, LMFT<\/a>, host of the podcast <a href=\"https:\/\/www.boomplay.com\/podcasts\/32951\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener nofollow\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"https:\/\/www.boomplay.com\/podcasts\/32951\"><em>The Wright Conversations: A Podcast About Sex, Relationships, and Mental Health<\/em><\/a>. \u201cSomeone in one of these agreements, for example, might say things like, \u2018I don\u2019t care if my partner has sex with someone, but I don\u2019t want to know anything about it\u2019,\u201d she says.<\/p>\n<blockquote>\n<p>\u201cSomeone in one of these agreements, for example, might say things like, \u2018I don\u2019t care if my partner has sex with someone, but I don\u2019t want to know anything about it.\u2019\u201d \u2014Rachel Wright, LMFT, psychotherapist<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<p>Exactly what the individuals in the relationship are allowed to pursue will vary, says <a href=\"https:\/\/brettchamberl.in\/about\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener nofollow\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"https:\/\/brettchamberl.in\/about\">Brett Chamberlin<\/a>, executive director at the <a href=\"https:\/\/www.open-love.org\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"https:\/\/www.open-love.org\/\">Organization for Polyamory &amp; Ethical Non-monogamy<\/a>. \u201cSome agreements will allow the partners to have intercourse with other individuals so long as they use barriers, while other people may limit activity to kissing in public places, like on the dance floor,\u201d he says. In the former example, it would be considered a breach of the relationship agreement (aka <a href=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/platonic-intimacy-vs-emotional-cheating\/\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/platonic-intimacy-vs-emotional-cheating\/\">cheating<\/a>) if one of the partners did not use protection, while in the other it would be considered a breach if someone went home with the cutie from the dance floor, he says.<\/p>\n<div class=\"related-content \" style=\"\" data-module-init=\"related-content\" data-module-immediate=\"\" v-cloak=\"\">\n<div class=\"related-content__wrapper \" v-cloak=\"\" :class=\"{'is-loaded':isLoaded}\">\n<p> <span class=\"inline pr-6 text-seafoam-dark\">Related Stories<\/span> <\/p>\n<p> <related-content class=\"related-content__links\" parent-article-permalink=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/dont-ask-dont-tell-relationship\/\" current-title=\"Can \u2018Don\u2019t Ask, Don\u2019t Tell\u2019 Relationships Work? Relationship Therapists Weigh In\" current-image=\"WG_Editorial__Dont-Ask-Dont-Tell_-relationships-425x285.jpg\" v-on:parsely-posts-loaded=\"onPostsLoaded\" start-date=\"2023-02-18\" tag=\"div\" inline-template=\"\" url=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/dont-ask-dont-tell-relationship\/\" secret=\"w5ztterVB03LGZJLfXS0hf3EvQBuFFIWew9hmVQxthU\" apikey=\"wellandgood.com\" limit=\"3\"> <\/p>\n<div>\n<div class=\"related-content__card mb-[10px] sm:mb-[20px]\" :class=\"{'related-content__card--full':posts.length === 1}\" v-for=\"(post, key) in posts\"> <a v-on:click.prevent=\"trackLinkGA($event, key)\" :href=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/dont-ask-dont-tell-relationship\/post.url\" data-url-source=\"related-content\" class=\"related-content__link\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"\"> <\/p>\n<div class=\"related-content__card--image bg-tan\" :style=\"{ backgroundImage: 'url(' + post.image_url + ')' }\"> <img :src=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/dont-ask-dont-tell-relationship\/post.image_url\" :alt=\"post.title\"\/> <\/div>\n<p> <\/a>  <\/div>\n<\/p><\/div>\n<p> <\/related-content> <\/div>\n<\/p><\/div>\n<p>How little (or much) the individuals in the relationship ask and tell also varies among DADT relationships. \u201cSome people might want to know who their partner is seeing and where they are going, but not any of the specific details of what happens on the date,\u201d says Chamberlin. Meanwhile, other people might be okay simply knowing that their partner is going out\u2014and not knowing whether that\u2019s with a right swipe, friend, or ongoing boo, he says.<\/p>\n<p>Regardless of the exact agreements at play, a &#8220;Don&#8217;t Ask, Don&#8217;t Tell&#8221; relationship structure allows people to receive only the information they actually want to receive, within a container that is safe, loving, and consensual. \u201cIt offers a clear and intentional way to create a filter valve on the flow of information,\u201d says psychotherapist and board-certified sex therapist <a href=\"https:\/\/shadeenfrancis.com\/\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" rel=\"nofollow\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"https:\/\/shadeenfrancis.com\/\">Shadeen Francis, LMFT, CST<\/a>.<\/p>\n<h2>Is DADT a form of non-monogamy?<\/h2>\n<p>Great question. \u201cIf everyone involved is consenting to it being a DADT situation, then yes, it is <a href=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/non-monogamous-relationship\/\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/non-monogamous-relationship\/\">a form of non-monogamy<\/a>,\u201d says Wright.<\/p>\n<p>As a refresher: Non-monogamy is <em>any<\/em> kind of relationship wherein people are allowed to, within the agreements of their relationship(s), form romantic and\/or sexual connections with multiple people, explains Wright. You may have heard non-monogamy referred to as ethical non-monogamy (or ENM), but many polyamorous educators, therapists, and practitioners are moving away from that nomenclature, she says. Simply, because there is no such thing as unethical non-monogamy\u2014if it\u2019s not ethical, it\u2019s not non-monogamy at all, but <a href=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/how-to-heal-after-being-cheated-on\/\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/how-to-heal-after-being-cheated-on\/\">cheating<\/a>.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cIf<em> not<\/em> everyone is consenting to the DADT situation, then that would be cheating,\u201d says Wright. Cheating, she explains, is about breaking a relationship agreement. \u201cIf the agreement is \u2018don\u2019t ask, don\u2019t tell,\u2019 then there\u2019s nothing being broken when nothing is asked and nothing is told, and therefore it is not a form of cheating, but a style of non-monogamy.\u201d<\/p>\n<h2>No, DADT relationships aren\u2019t (usually) just lying in disguise<\/h2>\n<p>DADT relationships are often stereotyped for being used by monogamous folks to excuse away affairs and other extramarital lies, says Francis.<\/p>\n<p>But there are many (many!) ways for folks to set up their DADT relationship that <em>don\u2019t<\/em> involve lying, says Francis. \u201cThere is a common understanding that being honest means sharing all information possible at all times, and under this perspective, privacy\u2014especially when there are firm lines around it\u2014is deception,\u201d she says.<\/p>\n<p>But in actuality, it&#8217;s possible to be honest with your partner(s) without sharing absolutely everything. People with all different relationship structures actively filter out details of what they share and don\u2019t share with their partner, says Francis. For instance: Do you volunteer all your financial activity to your partner? Do you share with them the details of your conversations with your friends? Do you talk about your bowel movements? \u201cEvery person and relationship has different agreements about what they do and do not choose to be shared,\u201d says Francis.<\/p>\n<p>The difference: In a relationship marked by honesty, the people within the relationship have created agreements about what needs to be shared\u2014and what does not need to be shared\u2014in order to honor each individual&#8217;s wants and boundaries.<\/p>\n<h2>The potential downsides of DADT<\/h2>\n<p>\u201cThere can be many problems with DADT, however it isn\u2019t an inherently flawed relationship modality,\u201d says Francis. Still, if you\u2019re considering the structure for yourself, certain potential issues are worth acknowledging.<\/p>\n<p>Generally speaking, DADT relationship structures work best when one (or all) of the people in the primary relationship travel for work, or the individuals do not live (aka <a href=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/anchor-partner\/\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/anchor-partner\/\">nest<\/a>) together, says Zane. Without these built-in separations, you\u2019re more likely to fall into the pitfalls of lying, he says.<\/p>\n<p>DADT dynamics also generally work best when the amount of sex, romance, or other agreed-upon form of intimacy you want to have outside of the relationship is relatively low. \u201cIf you&#8217;re constantly having sex with others, and then needing to lie about what you did and where you were to your partner, it&#8217;s likely that your relationship will explode rather quickly,\u201d sex educator <a href=\"https:\/\/www.zacharyzane.com\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener nofollow\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"https:\/\/www.zacharyzane.com\/\">Zachary Zane<\/a>, sex expert for the dating app <a href=\"https:\/\/www.archerapp.com\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener nofollow\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"https:\/\/www.archerapp.com\/\">Archer<\/a>, <a href=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/types-non-monogamy\/\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/types-non-monogamy\/\">previously told Well+Good<\/a>.<\/p>\n<p>Given the nature of the arrangement, DADT can offer particular challenges when a boundary is broken. After all, it can be tricky to disclose that a boundary was breached without sharing information that is normally deemed off-limits. That\u2019s why Francis says it\u2019s important to preemptively have a plan of action in place for moving forward if this happens. (More on this in a sec!)<\/p>\n<h2>A &#8220;Don\u2019t Ask, Don\u2019t Tell&#8221; relationship <em>can<\/em> work\u2014here&#8217;s how to tell if it&#8217;s for you<\/h2>\n<h3>1. Reflect, reflect, reflect<\/h3>\n<p>Sure, this type of agreement might sound perfect to you (and your partners) upon first glance. But before you implement it, Wright recommends digging a little deeper to understand why, exactly, this relationship set-up is appealing to you.<\/p>\n<p>Start by analyzing your current relationship, she says, assuming you\u2019re in one. Is a DADT relationship something that uniquely excites you&#8230; or is it your first-stop solution to a component that currently feels like it is missing? Are there other things you could implement\u2014for instance, a weekly date night, <a href=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/kinky-mastubation-ideas\/\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/kinky-mastubation-ideas\/\">mutual masturbation<\/a>, a <a href=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/types-of-vibrators\/\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/types-of-vibrators\/\">vibrator<\/a>, etc.\u2014that could also fill the same void? In general, introducing third (fourth, or fifth) parties is a messier, less effective way at fixing existing relationship issues than solving for the issue within the pre-existing dyad (or <a href=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/vee-relationship-structure\/\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/vee-relationship-structure\/\">triad<\/a>).<\/p>\n<h3>2. Think about your communication skills<\/h3>\n<p>Next, noodle on your comfortability communicating with your boo. Does this relationship structure have appeal to you because you don\u2019t trust that your partner can share about their dalliances in a way that honors your feelings? Or, maybe it\u2019s because you don\u2019t trust yourself to tactfully share about your other bonds with your boo?<\/p>\n<p>While these are both *fine* reasons to come to a &#8220;Don&#8217;t Ask, Don&#8217;t Tell&#8221; relationship, they <em>do<\/em> hint at other communication break-downs within your dyad that will likely continue to come up, no matter your relationship structure.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cIn an ideal situation, the folks practicing DADT are not using the label to shield themselves from honest communication, from the vulnerable process of relationship negotiation, or to ignore one another\u2019s boundaries by doing things in secret,\u201d says Francis. But rather, they are open to vulnerability, have strengthened their communication skills, and are choosing this structure because they\u2019ve discerned it&#8217;s best for them after thoughtful deliberation, she says.<\/p>\n<h3>3. Negotiate for success<\/h3>\n<p>Given that the degree of discretion in DADT agreements can range from complete secrecy to, \u201cI\u2019d rather not hear about details of how you spent your time together with others until I\u2019m in the right headspace to listen,\u201d Francis notes that you and your partner(s) will need to get granular about what the DADT framework means for you specifically.<\/p>\n<p>Here, Francis offers some questions to consider together:<\/p>\n<ol>\n<li>What information do you want to know for your health, safety, or well-being?<\/li>\n<li>What information do you need to know to feel respected, loved, and invested in this relationship?<\/li>\n<li>What information do you not want or need about my other relationships?<\/li>\n<li>Under what circumstances should I make something known, or signal to you that I want or need to share something with you?<\/li>\n<li>How will you signal to me that you\u2019d like to know more details or information?<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n<p>\u201cAsking these questions bi-directionally can help you build a solid foundation for your non monogamy, and keep your choice to practice DADT,\u201d she says.<\/p>\n<h3>4. Work with a couples therapist or polyamory coach<\/h3>\n<p>PSA: You don\u2019t have to make this decision all on your own. A non-monogamy-informed couples therapist or polyamory educator can help you and your partner(s) figure out exactly what kind of relationship agreement(s) make sense for you.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI work with a lot of couples who are opening up their monogamous relationship into a non-monogamous relationship and help them come up with agreements around what they want to ask and share, if anything,\u201d says Wright.<\/p>\n<h3>5. Research other forms of non-monogamy<\/h3>\n<p>A DADT style relationship may be what you and your boo(s) decide works best for you. However, you won\u2019t really know if that is the case until you learn about other forms of relationship agreements.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThere are some great discord servers, meet-up groups, online educators, and written resources on these topics,\u201d Chamberlin says. Some great starting points are listening to the <a href=\"https:\/\/www.multiamory.com\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener nofollow\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"https:\/\/www.multiamory.com\"><em>Multiamory<\/em><\/a> podcast, reading books like <a href=\"https:\/\/clicks.trx-hub.com\/xid\/leafgroup_ca5e0_wellgood?q=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.amazon.com%2FPolysecure-Attachment-Trauma-Consensual-Nonmonogamy%2Fdp%2FB08L6XNM9L%2Fref%3Dsr_1_1%3Fcrid%3D36Q109VNMAP40%26amp%253Bkeywords%3Dpolysecure%2Bbook%26amp%253Bqid%3D1690826900%26amp%253Bsprefix%3DPolysecure%252Caps%252C179%26amp%253Bsr%3D8-1%26tag%3Dwgtrx11328-20%26asc_refurl%3Dhttps%253A%252F%252Fwww.wellandgood.com%252Fdont-ask-dont-tell-relationship%252F%26asc_source%3Ddirect%26asc_campaign%3Dno-campaign&amp;p=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.wellandgood.com%2Fdont-ask-dont-tell-relationship%2F&amp;event_type=click\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener nofollow\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"https:\/\/www.amazon.com\/Polysecure-Attachment-Trauma-Consensual-Nonmonogamy\/dp\/B08L6XNM9L\/ref=sr_1_1?crid=36Q109VNMAP40&amp;keywords=polysecure+book&amp;qid=1690826900&amp;sprefix=Polysecure%2Caps%2C179&amp;sr=8-1\"><em>Polysecure<\/em><\/a> by Jessica Fern, and following polyamorous and non-monogamist sex educators like <a href=\"https:\/\/www.instagram.com\/remodeledlove\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener nofollow\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"https:\/\/www.instagram.com\/remodeledlove\/\">Remodeled Love<\/a>, <a href=\"https:\/\/www.instagram.com\/gabalexa\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener nofollow\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"https:\/\/www.instagram.com\/gabalexa\/\">Gab Alexa<\/a>, <a href=\"https:\/\/www.instagram.com\/bear.n.fifi\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener nofollow\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"https:\/\/www.instagram.com\/bear.n.fifi\/\">Bear &amp; Fifi<\/a>, and <a href=\"https:\/\/www.instagram.com\/chillpolyamory\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener nofollow\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"https:\/\/www.instagram.com\/chillpolyamory\/\">Chill Polyamory<\/a> on Instagram.<\/p>\n<div class=\"disclaimers__after_content mb-[18px] mt-[16px] pt-[16px]\">\n<div class=\"outline-earmark relative mt-[8px] pt-[10px] pl-[20px]\">\n<p>\n            Our editors independently select these products. Making a purchase through our links may earn Well+Good a commission.          <\/p>\n<\/p><\/div>\n<\/p><\/div>\n<\/p><\/div>\n<p><script async defer src=\"https:\/\/platform.instagram.com\/en_US\/embeds.js\"><\/script><br \/>\n<br \/><div data-type=\"_mgwidget\" data-widget-id=\"1675549\">\r\n<\/div>\r\n<script>(function(w,q){w[q]=w[q]||[];w[q].push([\"_mgc.load\"])})(window,\"_mgq\");\r\n<\/script>\r\n<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>The phrase \u201cdon\u2019t ask, don\u2019t tell\u201d may bring to mind the discriminatory policy from the &#8217;90s that kept LGBTQ+ folks in the U.S. military from sharing information about their sexuality or non-cis gender. But the phrase has another meaning in polyamorous circles: a non-monogamous relationship structure that allows some kinds of physical, sexual, and\/or emotional &hellip;<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":6668,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[4],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-6667","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-health"],"aioseo_notices":[],"aioseo_head":"\n\t\t<!-- All in One SEO 4.9.8 - aioseo.com -->\n\t<meta name=\"description\" content=\"The phrase \u201cdon\u2019t ask, don\u2019t tell\u201d may bring to mind the discriminatory policy from the &#039;90s that kept LGBTQ+ folks in the U.S. military from sharing information about their sexuality or non-cis gender. 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