{"id":5707,"date":"2023-07-17T16:35:53","date_gmt":"2023-07-17T09:35:53","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/loudhdtv.com\/?p=5707"},"modified":"2023-07-17T16:35:53","modified_gmt":"2023-07-17T09:35:53","slug":"why-you-may-grieve-your-former-self-as-a-new-parent","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/loudhdtv.com\/?p=5707","title":{"rendered":"Why You May Grieve Your Former Self As A New Parent"},"content":{"rendered":"<p> <script async src=\"https:\/\/pagead2.googlesyndication.com\/pagead\/js\/adsbygoogle.js?client=ca-pub-3711241968723425\"\r\n     crossorigin=\"anonymous\"><\/script><br \/>\n<br \/><img decoding=\"async\" src=\"https:\/\/mindbodygreen-res.cloudinary.com\/image\/upload\/c_crop,x_0,y_0,w_2000,h_1334\/c_fill,w_700,h_400,g_auto,q_85,fl_lossy,f_jpg\/org\/ijb5lq1nnljzyrwor.jpeg\" \/><\/p>\n<div>\n<p>Maybe your grief exploration will lead you to the fact that you\u2019ve given up more than you can spare. There is a misconception that self-sacrifice is what\u2019s necessary in order to be an attuned parent\u2014that putting the self aside will lead to better child rearing.\u00a0<\/p>\n<p>Psychologist <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harrietlerner.com\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow noopener\" class=\"mbg-track-event\" data-track-event-types=\"click\" data-track-type=\"article-link\" data-track-prop-element-id=\"in-body-link\" data-track-prop-label=\"page_type | element_id\" data-track-prop-category=\"Link\" data-track-prop-link=\"https:\/\/www.harrietlerner.com\/\">Harriet Lerner, Ph.D<\/a>., calls this concept\u00a0\u201cde-selfing,\u201d when one person does more giving in and going along than is her share and therefore loses contact with her own preferences and ability to make self-attuned choices.\u00a0<\/p>\n<p>While putting your needs aside at times is essential, when we take ourselves (our feelings, beliefs, ideas) out of the relationship, we pose a threat to connection rather than feed it. Abandoning the core parts of the self, disconnecting from the things that make you you, impedes your connection to your child, rather than enhances it.\u00a0<\/p>\n<p>In support circles I\u2019ve heard parents make statements like \u201cI love my children, but\u2026\u201d or \u201cBeing a parent is the best, but\u2026\u201d I pay close attention to what comes after the \u201cbut,\u201d as this seems to be where the difficult truth exists, if we didn\u2019t feel the need to pad it with the good feelings to protect ourselves from feeling guilt or shame.\u00a0<\/p>\n<p>Listen to what comes after your \u201cbut,\u201d to find the parts of you that you are longing to reconnect with. \u201cBut it\u2019s so hard,\u201d \u201cbut it\u2019s so lonely,\u201d \u201cbut it\u2019s so boring,\u201d are all acknowledgements of your unmet needs that require further investigation.<\/p>\n<p>Getting these needs met by (being more social with your friends, traveling to a new place, trying new sex acts), might enable you to be emotionally alive as a parent. I remember the time that my husband and I brought the double stroller with our two sleeping children to a beach party in <a href=\"https:\/\/www.mindbodygreen.com\/articles\/well-traveled-costa-rica\" target=\"_blank\" class=\"mbg-track-event\" data-track-event-types=\"click\" data-track-type=\"article-link\" data-track-prop-element-id=\"in-body-link\" data-track-prop-label=\"page_type | element_id\" data-track-prop-category=\"Link\" data-track-prop-link=\"https:\/\/www.mindbodygreen.com\/articles\/well-traveled-costa-rica\" rel=\"noopener\">Costa Rica<\/a> for New Years Eve. We parked them under the mangroves and danced close by. It wasn\u2019t the same as it was, but it made us feel whole\u2014a merging of our past and present selves. What does merging look like for you?<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<div data-type=\"_mgwidget\" data-widget-id=\"1675549\">\r\n<\/div>\r\n<script>(function(w,q){w[q]=w[q]||[];w[q].push([\"_mgc.load\"])})(window,\"_mgq\");\r\n<\/script>\r\n\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Maybe your grief exploration will lead you to the fact that you\u2019ve given up more than you can spare. There is a misconception that self-sacrifice is what\u2019s necessary in order to be an attuned parent\u2014that putting the self aside will lead to better child rearing.\u00a0 Psychologist Harriet Lerner, Ph.D., calls this concept\u00a0\u201cde-selfing,\u201d when one person &hellip;<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[6],"tags":[202,229,132],"class_list":["post-5707","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-lifestyle","tag-motherhood","tag-parenthetical","tag-single-parent"],"aioseo_notices":[],"aioseo_head":"\n\t\t<!-- All in One SEO 4.9.8 - aioseo.com -->\n\t<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Maybe your grief exploration will lead you to the fact that you\u2019ve given up more than you can spare. There is a misconception that self-sacrifice is what\u2019s necessary in order to be an attuned parent\u2014that putting the self aside will lead to better child rearing. Psychologist Harriet Lerner, Ph.D., calls this concept \u201cde-selfing,\u201d when one person does\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"max-image-preview:large\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"author\" content=\"admin\"\/>\n\t<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/loudhdtv.com\/?p=5707\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"generator\" content=\"All in One SEO (AIOSEO) 4.9.8\" \/>\n\t\t<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n\t\t<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"LOUDHDTV - Just another WordPress site\" \/>\n\t\t<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n\t\t<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Why You May Grieve Your Former Self As A New Parent - LOUDHDTV\" \/>\n\t\t<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Maybe your grief exploration will lead you to the fact that you\u2019ve given up more than you can spare. 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