{"id":4144,"date":"2023-05-25T13:03:05","date_gmt":"2023-05-25T06:03:05","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/loudhdtv.com\/how-to-live-with-a-sober-or-sober-curious-partner\/"},"modified":"2023-05-25T13:03:05","modified_gmt":"2023-05-25T06:03:05","slug":"how-to-live-with-a-sober-or-sober-curious-partner","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/loudhdtv.com\/?p=4144","title":{"rendered":"How To Live With a Sober (or Sober-Curious) Partner"},"content":{"rendered":"<p> <script async src=\"https:\/\/pagead2.googlesyndication.com\/pagead\/js\/adsbygoogle.js?client=ca-pub-3711241968723425\"\r\n     crossorigin=\"anonymous\"><\/script><br \/>\n<\/p>\n<div>\n<div class=\"drop-cap text-big text-gray\"> <span class=\"drop-cap__first text-dropcap \">T<\/span>he old adage says \u201copposites attract,\u201d and, in some ways, <a href=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/do-opposites-attract\/\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/do-opposites-attract\/\">it might be true<\/a>. But when it comes to living with a romantic partner who doesn&#8217;t share your outlook on or habits around drinking alcohol&#8230; well, that\u2019s often just stressful.<\/div>\n<p>Because the spectrum of possible relationships one can have with alcohol is wide\u2014from the frequent drinker to the sober-curious to the complete abstainer (and everything in between)\u2014there\u2019s plenty of room for differences between partners in a committed relationship. And it may be extra-challenging for partners to cohabitate when they fall on opposite sides of that spectrum, with one drinking heavily and the other in recovery from alcohol use disorder (AUD).<\/p>\n<p>Unlike someone choosing to live a dry lifestyle, someone in recovery stands to \u201cexperience devastating consequences should they choose to drink,\u201d says <a href=\"https:\/\/americanaddictioncenters.org\/industry-experts\/lawrence-weinstein\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"https:\/\/americanaddictioncenters.org\/industry-experts\/lawrence-weinstein\">Lawrence Weinstein, MD<\/a>, chief medical officer at <a href=\"https:\/\/www.americanaddictioncenters.org\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"https:\/\/www.americanaddictioncenters.org\/\">American Addiction Centers<\/a>. \u201cSuch stark differences in alcohol consumption can generate conflict that negatively affects a relationship.\u201d<\/p>\n<blockquote>\n<p>\u201cStark differences in alcohol consumption can generate conflict that negatively affects a relationship.\u201d \u2014Lawrence Weinstein, MD, chief medical officer, American Addiction Centers<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<p>That potential for conflict only rises when you add in cohabitation, given the question of whether any alcohol will be kept or consumed in the shared home. \u201cResearch has shown that tensions brought about by alcohol differences in couples [can lead to] increased rates of depression and anxiety; more frequently reported physical abuse, emotional abuse, and mood disorders; and <a href=\"https:\/\/journals.sagepub.com\/doi\/abs\/10.1177\/0265407516670759?journalCode=spra\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener nofollow\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"https:\/\/journals.sagepub.com\/doi\/abs\/10.1177\/0265407516670759?journalCode=spra\">decreased levels of satisfaction within the relationship<\/a>,\u201d says Dr. Weinstein.<\/p>\n<p>Even in scenarios where the people in a relationship are on less extreme ends of the alcohol-use spectrum\u2014perhaps, one person is dry-by-choice and the other drinks alcohol socially\u2014differences can spark tension. I learned this firsthand when I began intentionally going on dry dates as part of my <a href=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/attending-concerts-sober\/\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/attending-concerts-sober\/\">commitment to my first \u201cdry January\u201d in 2017<\/a>. The exercise opened my eyes to how alcohol can affect even the early stages of a romantic partnership. From the very beginning, some of my first dates scoffed at my commitment to sobriety\u2014even though I didn\u2019t mind if<em> they<\/em> drank.<\/p>\n<div class=\"related-content \" style=\"\" data-module-init=\"related-content\" data-module-immediate=\"\" v-cloak=\"\">\n<div class=\"related-content__wrapper \" v-cloak=\"\" :class=\"{'is-loaded':isLoaded}\">\n<p> <span class=\"inline pr-6 text-seafoam-dark\">Related Stories<\/span> <\/p>\n<p> <related-content class=\"related-content__links\" parent-article-permalink=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/how-to-live-with-sober-partner\/\" current-title=\"4 Tips for Peacefully Cohabitating in a Relationship Where Only One Person Drinks Alcohol\" current-image=\"Ivan-Gener-425x285.jpg\" v-on:parsely-posts-loaded=\"onPostsLoaded\" start-date=\"2022-11-24\" tag=\"div\" inline-template=\"\" url=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/how-to-live-with-sober-partner\/\" secret=\"w5ztterVB03LGZJLfXS0hf3EvQBuFFIWew9hmVQxthU\" apikey=\"wellandgood.com\" limit=\"3\"> <\/p>\n<div>\n<div class=\"related-content__card mb-[10px] sm:mb-[20px]\" :class=\"{'related-content__card--full':posts.length === 1}\" v-for=\"(post, key) in posts\"> <a v-on:click.prevent=\"trackLinkGA($event, key)\" :href=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/how-to-live-with-sober-partner\/post.url\" data-url-source=\"related-content\" class=\"related-content__link\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"\"> <\/p>\n<div class=\"related-content__card--image bg-tan\" :style=\"{ backgroundImage: 'url(' + post.image_url + ')' }\"> <img :src=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/how-to-live-with-sober-partner\/post.image_url\" :alt=\"post.title\"\/> <\/div>\n<p> <\/a>  <\/div>\n<\/p><\/div>\n<p> <\/related-content> <\/div>\n<\/p><\/div>\n<p>Years later, in 2020, I published my book <a href=\"https:\/\/clicks.trx-hub.com\/xid\/leafgroup_ca5e0_wellgood?q=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.amazon.com%2FDry-Challenge-January-October-Alcohol-Free%2Fdp%2F0062937707%3Ftag%3Dwgtrx4824-20%26asc_refurl%3Dhttps%253A%252F%252Fwww.wellandgood.com%252Fattending-concerts-sober%252F%26asc_source%3Ddirect%26asc_campaign%3Dno-campaign&amp;p=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.wellandgood.com%2Fattending-concerts-sober%2F&amp;event_type=click\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener nofollow\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"https:\/\/clicks.trx-hub.com\/xid\/leafgroup_ca5e0_wellgood?q=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.amazon.com%2FDry-Challenge-January-October-Alcohol-Free%2Fdp%2F0062937707%3Ftag%3Dwgtrx4824-20%26asc_refurl%3Dhttps%253A%252F%252Fwww.wellandgood.com%252Fattending-concerts-sober%252F%26asc_source%3Ddirect%26asc_campaign%3Dno-campaign&amp;p=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.wellandgood.com%2Fattending-concerts-sober%2F&amp;event_type=click\"><em>The Dry Challenge: How to Lose the Booze for Dry January, Sober October, and Any Other Alcohol-Free Month<\/em><\/a>, which includes a chapter on ties between drinking culture and courtship. The bottom line from my research? Consuming alcohol can affect a person\u2019s<strong>\u00a0<\/strong><a href=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/alcohol-aging\/\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/alcohol-aging\/\">health<\/a>, <a href=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/stop-drinking-better-mood\/\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/stop-drinking-better-mood\/\">mood<\/a>, and <a href=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/alcohol-affects-sleep-quality\/\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/alcohol-affects-sleep-quality\/\">sleep<\/a>\u2014all of which play a role in how they show up in a relationship. And whether one or both partners drink will also influence how they spend their time together, interpret each other\u2019s words and gestures, and view each other&#8217;s life (or lifestyle)\u00a0choices.<\/p>\n<p>As a result, navigating how to live peacefully with a sober partner when you drink will likely involve negotiation and compromise. Below, find tips for live-in couples in which only one party drinks.<\/p>\n<h2>4 tips for how to live peacefully with a sober (or sober-curious) partner<\/h2>\n<h3>1. Talk about alcohol and how to support each other\u2019s preferences<\/h3>\n<p>Having a dedicated conversation about drinking can help you each set boundaries and expectations. \u201cIt\u2019s good to agree on certain [rules] for the person who drinks to adhere to, so that there are no surprises, which can otherwise lead couples into fight-or-flight responses,\u201d says therapist <a href=\"https:\/\/alosangelestherapist.com\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener nofollow\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"https:\/\/alosangelestherapist.com\/\">Allen Wagner, LMFT<\/a>.<\/p>\n<p>Depending on each person\u2019s unique relationship with alcohol, says Dr. Weinstein, examples of areas around which to set rules or boundaries could include: how much alcohol can be in the house, when alcohol is consumed, which type of alcohol is consumed, a preferred location that alcohol is consumed, and a required chat should one party want to drink. The most effective way to broach this subject? \u201cDirect and explicit communication,\u201d he adds.<\/p>\n<p>For couples who are having a difficult time speaking about this on their own, Wagner suggests couples counseling, which can be a safe place to break down what everyone is looking for in terms of behavioral or structural changes. \u201cThings should feel fair and not hypocritical,\u201d he says. \u201cConsistency is the key to habit-making.\u201d<\/p>\n<h3>2. Reevaluate the role of alcohol within your shared home<\/h3>\n<p>One of the most common discussions about alcohol in scenarios where one partner is sober or dry-by-choice is around whether alcohol will still be kept or consumed in the shared home. If your sober partner is in recovery, learning how to live peacefully with them likely means keeping your home alcohol-free.<\/p>\n<p>For Sarah Potteiger, 31, who\u2019s now three years sober, having no alcohol in the home she shares with her husband, who drinks, has been a huge help. Ironically, when she met him for their first date more than seven years ago, it was at a dive bar, and they bonded over beers. But now, she appreciates that if her husband is going to drink, he does it out with his friends when she\u2019s not present. \u201cWe don\u2019t typically keep booze in the apartment,\u201d she says. \u201cThat\u2019s been a big change, but he was very supportive and understanding of why I needed it out of sight.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>The same goes for Zo\u00eb Tobin, 40, and David Fischer, 51, who have been together for more than five years and living together for the past three. Tobin got sober six months ago, and Fischer still drinks but typically just during social outings without her, and they don\u2019t keep alcohol at home.<\/p>\n<blockquote>\n<p>\u201cGambling in front of a sports-betting addict would seem cruel, and partners should consider how they would feel if they were put in similar situations of temptation.\u201d \u2014Allen Wagner, LMFT, therapist<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<p>In these cases, removing alcohol from the home is a matter of respect. \u201cGambling in front of a sports-betting addict would seem cruel, and partners should consider how they would feel if they were put in similar situations of temptation,\u201d says Wagner. But even if your partner is sober-curious or dry-by-choice, it\u2019s important for both people to be empathetic toward each other and proactively plan around the logistics of drinking (or not) in the shared home.<\/p>\n<p>For someone like Tom Houston, 41, the decision not to drink was simply a lifestyle choice, and he came to the agreement with his wife, Lori, 40, that alcohol could still play a role in their home. \u201cWe are constantly entertaining at home\u2014at least three to four<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>times per month\u2014and having alcohol on hand, as well as actively serving it to our guests and my wife, feels perfectly normal,\u201d he says.<\/p>\n<p>Despite his personal choice to abstain, Houston feels comfortable with booze being present in his home and social life, as much as it is in his job as the director of food and beverage at a hotel in Hawaii. But for others who are similarly dry-by-choice, alcohol at home may still be triggering. The important thing is to discuss with a sober partner whether you or others drinking alcohol in the home they share feels comfortable to them or\u2026 not so much, and to respect that call.<\/p>\n<h3>3. Stay open-minded about the effects of sobriety or sober-curiosity on your partnership<\/h3>\n<p>Some people might enter a relationship sober or sober-curious and may need to negotiate boundaries around alcohol upon moving in with a partner. But it&#8217;s also possible for a person\u2019s relationship with alcohol to change over time. Perhaps you used to drink with your partner for date night, or simply to pass time, and now, you\u2019ve found yourself in a long-term relationship with someone who no longer wants to split a bottle of wine or take whiskey shots at the bar.<\/p>\n<p>From the jump, you might be concerned that your relationship (or your life) is about to change drastically or suddenly become boring. Lori Houston (Tom\u2019s wife, above) admits this was top of mind for her when Tom decided to give up alcohol. \u201cAt first, I worried about how his not drinking would affect date nights and us going out to have fun, or attending events together,\u201d she says.<\/p>\n<p>But, in fact, Lori has benefited from her husband not drinking: Tom is more engaged, he has a new role as designated driver, and the couple has amassed more financial savings for fun activities. And, when Tom\u2019s sleep improved sans alcohol, Lori\u2019s did, too.<\/p>\n<p>Potteiger had a similar experience. \u201cSpeaking on our relationship as a whole, sobriety has made it a lot more meaningful because I\u2019m able to be fully present and show up for him in ways I never could before,\u201d she says, adding that though she\u2019s often struggled with sobriety, these rough patches have, in the end, made her relationship with her husband that much stronger.<\/p>\n<p>That\u2019s not to say that<em> every <\/em>relationship stands to benefit when one person chooses not to drink, whether for health reasons or otherwise. But if you\u2019re the partner who drinks, part of learning how to live with a sober or dry-by-choice partner is keeping an open mind to the potential upsides of their sobriety, rather than assuming that their need or choice to abstain is destined to doom your relationship.<\/p>\n<h3>4. Swap out booze-related relationship activities<\/h3>\n<p>Learning how to live with a sober or sober-curious partner is bound to require finding new ways to spend your time and money as a couple\u2014especially if drinking has been a part of your regularly scheduled programming in the past. Exploring dry date ideas will help you uncover just as many ways to connect or build intimacy without alcohol.<\/p>\n<p>These days, Potteiger and her husband spend their savings on experiences and travel rather than alcohol-soaked date nights. \u201cAnd on those nights when we typically would have headed to a bar, we now usually stay in and spend time together talking and watching a show or a movie,\u201d says Potteiger.<\/p>\n<p>Wagner suggests couples go to concerts together (without hitting the bar), or do things in nature, like camp or hike. \u201cSome people love escape rooms and virtual-reality experiences, as well,\u201d he adds. \u201cGame nights with other couples can be a fun activity, too, as can dinners at restaurants in scenic areas where you can walk around after [to replace going for a drink].\u201d<\/p>\n<div class=\"disclaimers__after_content mb-[18px] mt-[16px] pt-[16px]\">\n<div class=\"outline-earmark relative mt-[8px] pt-[10px] pl-[20px]\">\n<p>\n            Our editors independently select these products. Making a purchase through our links may earn Well+Good a commission.          <\/p>\n<\/p><\/div>\n<\/p><\/div>\n<\/p><\/div>\n<div data-type=\"_mgwidget\" data-widget-id=\"1675549\">\r\n<\/div>\r\n<script>(function(w,q){w[q]=w[q]||[];w[q].push([\"_mgc.load\"])})(window,\"_mgq\");\r\n<\/script>\r\n\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>The old adage says \u201copposites attract,\u201d and, in some ways, it might be true. But when it comes to living with a romantic partner who doesn&#8217;t share your outlook on or habits around drinking alcohol&#8230; well, that\u2019s often just stressful. Because the spectrum of possible relationships one can have with alcohol is wide\u2014from the frequent &hellip;<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":4145,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[4],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-4144","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-health"],"aioseo_notices":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/loudhdtv.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4144","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/loudhdtv.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/loudhdtv.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/loudhdtv.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/loudhdtv.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=4144"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/loudhdtv.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4144\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/loudhdtv.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/4145"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/loudhdtv.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=4144"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/loudhdtv.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=4144"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/loudhdtv.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=4144"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}