{"id":3931,"date":"2023-05-19T14:59:05","date_gmt":"2023-05-19T07:59:05","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/loudhdtv.com\/am-i-too-competitive-6-red-flags-you-should-know\/"},"modified":"2023-05-19T14:59:05","modified_gmt":"2023-05-19T07:59:05","slug":"am-i-too-competitive-6-red-flags-you-should-know","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/loudhdtv.com\/?p=3931","title":{"rendered":"Am I Too Competitive? 6 Red Flags You Should Know"},"content":{"rendered":"<p> <script async src=\"https:\/\/pagead2.googlesyndication.com\/pagead\/js\/adsbygoogle.js?client=ca-pub-3711241968723425\"\r\n     crossorigin=\"anonymous\"><\/script><br \/>\n<\/p>\n<div>\n<p> <span class=\"drop-cap__first text-dropcap \">I<\/span>f you\u2019ve ever played Monopoly against me, or stepped onto the treadmill next to mine at the gym, you may not have realized it, but I was sizing you up\u2014and I was hell-bent on winning.<\/p>\n<p>I\u2019ve always been competitive. I&#8217;ve been the primary instigator of my sibling rivalry with my older brother since we were in diapers. I sought the best grades in school\u2014my valedictorian speech was my victory lap\u2014and when I realized I didn\u2019t have an athletic bone in my body, I gave up all sports. What was the point in playing if you couldn\u2019t win?<\/p>\n<p>That thought became a defining ethos that I carried with me through adulthood. Although I\u2019d always taken pride in my competitive edge, I eventually started to see the cracks. For every raise or promotion I\u2019d \u201cwin\u201d at work, the ones I &#8220;lost&#8221; felt like personal affronts. Whenever a friend shared their success, it would only remind me of how I\u2019d failed. If I scrolled too long on Instagram (<a href=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/linkedin-mental-health\/\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/linkedin-mental-health\/\">or, worse, LinkedIn<\/a>), I\u2019d realize how far behind the metaphorical \u201cfinish line\u201d I was compared to everyone else. In my mind, if I wasn\u2019t the best, I was a walking disappointment.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhen you&#8217;re young, like in school, there is often a clear sense of having done your best,\u201d says <a href=\"https:\/\/dradiagooden.com\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener nofollow\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"https:\/\/dradiagooden.com\/\">Adia Gooden, PhD<\/a>, a licensed clinical psychologist who predominantly works with high achievers. \u201cYou get a grade, and you know exactly where you stand compared to other students. But once you\u2019re in adulthood, those metrics fall away. There\u2019s no clear \u2018best,\u2019 so you end up searching for something and working toward something that ends up being unattainable.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>This realization had me wondering: How did I get so competitive? And is it actually a bad thing?<\/p>\n<div class=\"related-content \" style=\"\" data-module-init=\"related-content\" data-module-immediate=\"\" v-cloak=\"\">\n<div class=\"related-content__wrapper \" v-cloak=\"\" :class=\"{'is-loaded':isLoaded}\">\n<p> <span class=\"inline pr-6 text-seafoam-dark\">Related Stories<\/span> <\/p>\n<p> <related-content class=\"related-content__links\" parent-article-permalink=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/am-i-too-competitive\/\" current-title=\"Is It Possible To Be *Too* Competitive? Watch Out for These 6 Red Flags\" current-image=\"GettyImages-am-i-too-competitive-lechatnoir-425x285.jpeg\" v-on:parsely-posts-loaded=\"onPostsLoaded\" start-date=\"2022-11-18\" tag=\"div\" inline-template=\"\" url=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/am-i-too-competitive\/\" secret=\"w5ztterVB03LGZJLfXS0hf3EvQBuFFIWew9hmVQxthU\" apikey=\"wellandgood.com\" limit=\"3\"> <\/p>\n<div>\n<div class=\"related-content__card mb-[10px] sm:mb-[20px]\" :class=\"{'related-content__card--full':posts.length === 1}\" v-for=\"(post, key) in posts\"> <a v-on:click.prevent=\"trackLinkGA($event, key)\" :href=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/am-i-too-competitive\/post.url\" data-url-source=\"related-content\" class=\"related-content__link\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"\"> <\/p>\n<div class=\"related-content__card--image bg-tan\" :style=\"{ backgroundImage: 'url(' + post.image_url + ')' }\"> <img :src=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/am-i-too-competitive\/post.image_url\" :alt=\"post.title\"\/> <\/div>\n<p> <\/a>  <\/div>\n<\/p><\/div>\n<p> <\/related-content> <\/div>\n<\/p><\/div>\n<h2>The origins of a competitive nature<\/h2>\n<p>In a society that rewards hustle culture, idolizes GOATs, and normalizes asking people we just met \u201cwhat do you do?,\u201d it\u2019s hard to imagine that not everyone shares my competitive nature. \u201cSome would say they were born competitive or that it \u2018runs in the family\u2019 as if it\u2019s a genetic trait,\u201d says <a href=\"https:\/\/www.yourjourneythrough.com\/meet-mary-beth\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener nofollow\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"https:\/\/www.yourjourneythrough.com\/meet-mary-beth\">Mary Beth Somich<\/a>, LCMHC, a licensed therapist based in Raleigh, North Carolina. \u201cBut it can be argued that family, environment, and cultural norms certainly contribute to the formation of that personality characteristic.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/doctors.prismahealth.org\/provider\/Jessica+Kelliher+Rabon\/1206662\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"https:\/\/doctors.prismahealth.org\/provider\/Jessica+Kelliher+Rabon\/1206662\">Jessica Rabon, PhD<\/a>, a licensed psychologist at Prisma Health in Greenville, South Carolina, agrees that one\u2019s competitive streak is likely a \u201cnature versus nurture\u201d combination. \u201cThere are definitely people who are innately more competitive than others,\u201d says Dr. Rabon. \u201cIndividuals who measure their self-worth by comparing themselves to other people are likely to be more competitive. However, situations can definitely impact someone&#8217;s competitiveness. For example, if the individual is in competition about something that is important to them, they are likely going to be more competitive. If there is an audience or there are limited resources, these situations can also enhance competitiveness in individuals.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>In this sense, people are usually either situationally competitive\u2014that friend who\u2019s a fierce adversary exclusively on monthly game nights or the corporate climber who couldn\u2019t care less about winning a pickup basketball game\u2014or they exude what <a href=\"https:\/\/gsm.ucdavis.edu\/profile\/stephen-garcia\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"https:\/\/gsm.ucdavis.edu\/profile\/stephen-garcia\">Stephen Garcia, PhD<\/a>, professor of management at the University of California-Davis, classifies as \u201c<a href=\"https:\/\/www.sciencedirect.com\/science\/article\/abs\/pii\/S0191886921006413\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"https:\/\/www.sciencedirect.com\/science\/article\/abs\/pii\/S0191886921006413\">trait competitiveness<\/a>.\u201d<\/p>\n<blockquote>\n<p>&#8220;People who are high in trait competitiveness will tend to perceive a non-competitive situation as being competitive.\u201d \u2014Stephen Garcia, PhD, professor of management, UC Davis<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<p>People who are situationally competitive may feel the need to win at games or dynamics that naturally lend themselves to competition, says Dr. Garcia, who studies the psychology of competition. \u201cBut people who are high in trait competitiveness will tend to perceive a non-competitive situation as being competitive,\u201d he adds.<\/p>\n<p>Imagine you\u2019re staying in a high-rise hotel. A person with high trait competitiveness in an elevator may feel they\u2019ve one-upped another guest by staying on a floor that\u2019s higher than theirs\u2014or they\u2019ll feel slighted to get off on a lower floor.<\/p>\n<h2>Is being competitive a losing game for your mental health?<\/h2>\n<p>The short answer: No, it\u2019s not inherently a bad thing to be competitive.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cCompetitive processes can provide the wind beneath our sails that we need to achieve a goal, to be productive, to move forward,\u201d says Dr. Garcia. It can be a hugely motivating force, particularly if you employ a growth mindset versus a fixed one, like I had growing up.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhen people with fixed mindsets experience failure, they feel as if they are losers and withdraw from competition. But those with growth mindsets do well in competitive activities; they interpret failure as helpful feedback and are more likely to pursue challenges rather than shying away from them to protect their self-esteem.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>However, decades of research makes a clear case that competition doesn\u2019t always lead to positive results. Although some studies have shown that under certain conditions, <a href=\"https:\/\/www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov\/pmc\/articles\/PMC4554955\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"https:\/\/www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov\/pmc\/articles\/PMC4554955\/\">competition can improve performance<\/a>, others have alluded to the opposite: that <a href=\"https:\/\/journals.sagepub.com\/doi\/abs\/10.1111\/j.1467-9280.2009.02385.x\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener nofollow\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"https:\/\/journals.sagepub.com\/doi\/abs\/10.1111\/j.1467-9280.2009.02385.x\">if the competition is greater, people are less inclined to try<\/a>. Researchers also believe <a href=\"https:\/\/www.researchgate.net\/publication\/15060144_Personality_Correlates_of_the_Hypercompetitive_Attitude_Scale_Validity_Tests_of_Horney%27s_Theory_of_Neurosis\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener nofollow\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"https:\/\/www.researchgate.net\/publication\/15060144_Personality_Correlates_of_the_Hypercompetitive_Attitude_Scale_Validity_Tests_of_Horney%27s_Theory_of_Neurosis\">hyper-competitive people tend to have lower self-esteem and higher rates of anxiety and depression<\/a>. There\u2019s also evidence that people motivated by self-improvement <a href=\"https:\/\/www.researchgate.net\/publication\/247723988_Better_than_Performance_Motives_as_Roots_of_Satisfaction_Across_more_and_Less_Developed_Countries\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener nofollow\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"https:\/\/www.researchgate.net\/publication\/247723988_Better_than_Performance_Motives_as_Roots_of_Satisfaction_Across_more_and_Less_Developed_Countries\">have higher levels of job and life satisfaction<\/a> compared to those primarily motivated by outperforming others\u2014though, I suppose that might point to competition with oneself providing a healthy push.<\/p>\n<h2>So when does healthy competition teeter on going too far?<\/h2>\n<p>Based on the pressure I put on my daily Wordle performance alone, I feel safe in stating my status as being highly competitive\u2014but am I <em>too<\/em> competitive? While Dr. Garcia says it&#8217;s possible to be both happy and healthy, he and the other pros offer some clear warning signs that a competitive streak might be veering toward some unhealthy extremes.<\/p>\n<h3>1. You\u2019re motivated by winning, not mastery or self-improvement<\/h3>\n<p>It\u2019s one thing to train for a race to beat your previous PR or to study for a test so that you can fully understand the subject matter. But \u201cwhen individuals feel they need to win at all costs,\u201d they lose sight of the benefits competitive drive can provide, says Dr. Rabon.<\/p>\n<blockquote>\n<p>\u201cPeople who have fun while they\u2019re competing, who enjoy the process, and are more focused on becoming the best version of themselves they can be, they\u2019re going to reap the most rewards.\u201d \u2014Adia Gooden, PhD, psychologist<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<p>\u201cPeople who have fun while they\u2019re competing, who enjoy the process, and are more focused on becoming the best version of themselves they can be, they\u2019re going to reap the most rewards,\u201d says Dr. Gooden. \u201cFor them, competition is about, \u2018Oh, I\u2019m growing, I\u2019m learning, I\u2019m able to do new things. I\u2019m coming out on top.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n<h3>2. You compare yourself to others endlessly<\/h3>\n<p>\u201cCompetitiveness is often a manifestation of the social comparison process,\u201d says Dr. Garcia. \u201cWe compare our progress and potential to others, and thus behave competitively to minimize or preempt any gap in performance.\u201d This mindset can make a person constantly on the lookout for minor differences and shortcomings rather than appreciating where they are or what they have now, he says.<\/p>\n<p>Exacerbating this is the global platform for which these comparisons can be made: the internet. \u201cPeople used to compare themselves to their co-workers and neighbors as a benchmark of where they stand in the world,\u201d says Somich. \u201cNow with social media, they are comparing themselves to the best, brightest, and most successful people in the world.\u201d Not exactly an even playing field\u2014and potentially bound to hurt someone\u2019s self-esteem.<\/p>\n<p>In addition to limiting the time spent on social media\u2014and blocking or muting people who tend to trigger comparative feelings\u2014Somich suggests practicing gratitude. <a href=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/affirmations-for-self-esteem\/\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/affirmations-for-self-esteem\/\">Personal affirmations<\/a> and <a href=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/benefits-gratitude-journaling\/\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/benefits-gratitude-journaling\/\">journaling<\/a>, for instance, may help combat the jealousy that often accompanies competition.<\/p>\n<h3>3. You struggle to feel genuinely happy for others, or take pleasure in seeing others fail<\/h3>\n<p>If you readily share in a sibling\u2019s success when it\u2019s unrelated to an interest of yours (for example, if she completed her first marathon) but squirm when they outperform you in a shared passion (if you are both bakers, and images of her latest cake go viral online), you might feel like a bad person. You might feel even worse if you can\u2019t shake a subtle smirk when a friend reveals they didn\u2019t get a big promotion or that they were outbid on their dream home. Dr. Gooden, however, notes that these reactions\u2014while undesirable\u2014are normal human responses.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cInherent in competition is the idea that there\u2019s a limited number of spots, so there\u2019s this sense of scarcity,\u201d says Dr. Gooden. (I.e. <em>If they get a good job, then I\u2019m not getting one.<\/em>) But mindset is misleading. In most cases, someone else doing well doesn\u2019t directly impact your ability to do well, too. While she acknowledges that there are exceptions, like you and a friend being up for the exact same job, \u201cin general, it\u2019s important to remember that there is an abundance of opportunities. Instead of feeling threatened by someone\u2019s success, or even feeling satisfied when someone we\u2019re close to doesn\u2019t do well, we should remember that there are many successful musicians and consultants and small business owners.\u201d<\/p>\n<h3>4. You\u2019re constantly keeping score in relationships<\/h3>\n<p>\u201cIndividuals who are highly competitive in romantic relationships may intentionally, or unintentionally, put the other person down to make themselves feel better,\u201d says Dr. Rabon. That&#8217;s not exactly a recipe for trust or cooperation that\u2019s essential for any healthy relationship.<\/p>\n<p>More damaging? <a href=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/couple-workout-competition-tips\/\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/couple-workout-competition-tips\/\">Score-keeping with a partner<\/a>. Whether it\u2019s competing over who cares about the other more or who does more housework, it\u2019s not habit that&#8217;s likely to serve you. \u201cBeing the best, being right, or winning becomes the most important thing to an individual, so much so that they are willing to sacrifice the happiness of their relationships,\u201d says Dr. Rabon.<\/p>\n<p>Dr. Garcia understands that for many high-achievers, \u201cpursuing your career and your self-interests may bring personal gravitas, but it might hinder close relationships with family and friends.\u201d He suggests that people should consider how \u201ceven the memory of those at the top of their game will fade away,\u201d but the memory of how they treated people won\u2019t.<\/p>\n<h3>5. You have a hard time celebrating your own wins<\/h3>\n<p>If you\u2019re driven to compete out of feelings of insecurity or inadequacy, no amount of winning will bring peace. And losing will just bring pain. \u201cTearing yourself down after performing worse than you wanted to or expected, which may include <a href=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/how-to-stop-negative-thinking\/\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/how-to-stop-negative-thinking\/\">negative self-talk<\/a> or calling yourself names, is a red flag here,\u201d says Dr. Rabon. \u201cThe same goes if you are unable to move past your performance, win or lose.\u201d<\/p>\n<blockquote>\n<p>\u201cTearing yourself down after performing worse than you wanted to or expected, which may include negative self-talk or calling yourself names, is a red flag.\u201d \u2014Jessica Rabon, PhD, psychologist<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<p>Dr. Gooden suggests imagining an ideal coach: \u201dthe one with high expectations who pushes you to try your best but is also incredibly encouraging and affirming, who believes you can do it but doesn\u2019t beat you up when you\u2019re down.\u201d Whenever you\u2019re too hard on yourself, she suggests purposefully treating yourself like that dream coach. \u201cIf we can show up to ourselves with that balance of encouragement and compassion, that can go a long way.\u201d<\/p>\n<h3>6. Your self-worth is tied up in your performance<\/h3>\n<p>Dr. Gooden stresses that our productivity-based workplace culture, in which \u201clong hours and hard work are the keys to success,\u201d has propagated unhealthy competition both in and out of the office. \u201cWe\u2019ve lost sight of who we are, holistically, as people,\u201d says Dr. Gooden. \u201c\u2018If I\u2019m not always performing at 100 percent, then I\u2019m not worthy. Then I don\u2019t treat myself well, and then I don\u2019t believe other people should treat me well.\u2019 Tying our sense of worthiness to our output and to winning creates a bunch of unhelpful behaviors.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Somich sees this constantly with her clients. \u201cThey struggle with anxiety around how they may be perceived by others, their own self-image, and how that all intertwines with personal and professional achievement,\u201d she says. \u201cThese feelings are fueled by competition within our culture and the idea that we have to \u2018do more\u2019 and \u2018do better.\u2019 There\u2019s been a shift, in which there is the human doing, not the human being.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Those who feel like human doings, says Somich, have likely lost sign of their original purpose. She suggests looking inward: \u201cStart with the question: \u2018Who are you without the doing?\u2019 Then, find a noncompetitive activity you enjoy doing just for the fun of it. And do it.\u201d<\/p>\n<h2>How people who might skew too competitive can keep that edge in check<\/h2>\n<p>The first thing Dr. Rabon does with highly competitive clients is work with them on identifying the ways their competitiveness is impacting their ability to function or their overall well-being. \u201cWe identify how things would look or be different for them if those areas were not negatively affected,\u201d she says. \u201cAnd if their competitiveness manifested as a maladaptive practice\u2014like spending hours doing drills for a sport, risking potential injury, or revising an essay multiple times for hours to get it just right, compromising sleep\u2014I would set time limits.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Although it\u2019s a more challenging endeavor, Somich and Dr. Rabon both suggest working to uncover where one\u2019s need to compete comes from\u2014and why it\u2019s so important a pursuit.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cIf someone feels that they need to be the best because it\u2019s the only way they feel like they have worth or purpose, we would work on identifying other ways they can feel worthy or other areas in their life that can provide them that purpose,\u201d says Dr. Rabon as an example.<\/p>\n<p>For hyper-competitive people like me\u2014who manage to turn innocent board games into life-or-death battles\u2014this advice might be easier said than done. But, I&#8217;m in it to win it.<\/p>\n<\/p><\/div>\n<div data-type=\"_mgwidget\" data-widget-id=\"1675549\">\r\n<\/div>\r\n<script>(function(w,q){w[q]=w[q]||[];w[q].push([\"_mgc.load\"])})(window,\"_mgq\");\r\n<\/script>\r\n\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>If you\u2019ve ever played Monopoly against me, or stepped onto the treadmill next to mine at the gym, you may not have realized it, but I was sizing you up\u2014and I was hell-bent on winning. I\u2019ve always been competitive. I&#8217;ve been the primary instigator of my sibling rivalry with my older brother since we were &hellip;<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":3932,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[4],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-3931","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-health"],"aioseo_notices":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/loudhdtv.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3931","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/loudhdtv.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/loudhdtv.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/loudhdtv.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/loudhdtv.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=3931"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/loudhdtv.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3931\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/loudhdtv.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/3932"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/loudhdtv.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=3931"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/loudhdtv.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=3931"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/loudhdtv.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=3931"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}