{"id":10039,"date":"2024-02-04T00:08:37","date_gmt":"2024-02-03T17:08:37","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/loudhdtv.com\/?p=10039"},"modified":"2024-02-04T00:08:37","modified_gmt":"2024-02-03T17:08:37","slug":"nesting-partner-in-polyamory-what-does-it-mean","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/loudhdtv.com\/?p=10039","title":{"rendered":"Nesting Partner in Polyamory: What Does It Mean?"},"content":{"rendered":"<p> <script async src=\"https:\/\/pagead2.googlesyndication.com\/pagead\/js\/adsbygoogle.js?client=ca-pub-3711241968723425\"\r\n     crossorigin=\"anonymous\"><\/script><br \/>\n<\/p>\n<div>\n<div class=\"drop-cap text-big text-gray\"> <span class=\"drop-cap__first text-dropcap \">I<\/span>f you\u2019re a birder, <a href=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/virgo-personality-traits\/\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/virgo-personality-traits\/\">Virgo<\/a>, or <a href=\"https:\/\/americanpregnancy.org\/healthy-pregnancy\/pregnancy-health-wellness\/nesting-during-pregnancy\/#:~:text=Nesting%20during%20pregnancy%20is%20the,is%20about%20to%20come%20on.\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"https:\/\/americanpregnancy.org\/healthy-pregnancy\/pregnancy-health-wellness\/nesting-during-pregnancy\/#:~:text=Nesting%20during%20pregnancy%20is%20the,is%20about%20to%20come%20on.\">expecting parent<\/a>, odds are you\u2019re familiar with nesting<strong>\u2014<\/strong>aka the process of preparing and inhabiting a home. Outside of binocular-laden bird watching and astrological deep-dives, the term nesting is commonly used amongst <a href=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/polyamory-vs-nonmonogamy\/\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/polyamory-vs-nonmonogamy\/\">polyamorous and other non-monogamous<\/a> folks with the word partner tacked onto the end.<\/div>\n<p>\u201cNesting partners are two or more people who agree to own a house or rent an apartment together,\u201d explains <a href=\"https:\/\/www.instagram.com\/allyiseman\/?hl=en\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener nofollow\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"https:\/\/www.instagram.com\/allyiseman\/?hl=en\">Ally Iseman<\/a>, a non-monogamy sexpert and founder of <a href=\"https:\/\/www.passport2pleasure.com\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener nofollow\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"https:\/\/www.passport2pleasure.com\">Passport 2 Pleasure<\/a>, a concierge wellness guide for couples and individuals exploring healthy non-monogamy. Basically, nest partners are just two partners who live together.<\/p>\n<p>It sounds simple enough, and in many cases it <em>is<\/em> simple. Given how different cohabitation looks (and feels) for ENM compared to monogamous folks, however, sometimes people are left with the wrong impression, or just downright confused, when they learn their recent right swipe, co-worker, or family member has a nesting partner.<\/p>\n<p>Part of the confusion comes down to the differences in expectations and norms between monogamous and non-monogamous relationships, says Iseman. Think about it: In the vast majority of monogamous relationships, the partner you choose to live with is also the person with whom you split finances, share a bed, have sex, raise children, and so on. \u201cIn nesting relationships, none of these other dynamics are an implied [guarantee],\u201d she says. \u201cPeople could be nesting partners and simply live under the same roof but have separate bedrooms, only see each other occasionally, and not share finances, for example.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Because the term \u201cnesting partner\u201d divorces cohabitation from the other elements often implied when romantic partners decide to live together, odds are you have questions. Below, everything you need to know about nesting partners, including what makes them different from regular \u2018ole roommates, <a href=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/anchor-partner\/\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/anchor-partner\/\">anchor partner<\/a>, <a href=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/types-non-monogamy\/\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/types-non-monogamy\/\">primary partner<\/a>, and more.<\/p>\n<div class=\"related-content \" style=\"\" data-module-init=\"related-content\" data-module-immediate=\"\" v-cloak=\"\">\n<div class=\"related-content__wrapper \" v-cloak=\"\" :class=\"{'is-loaded':isLoaded}\">\n<p> <span class=\"inline text-h5 text-seafoam-dark\">Related Stories<\/span> <\/p>\n<p> <related-content class=\"related-content__links\" parent-article-permalink=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/nesting-partner\/\" current-title=\"Yes, Living With a \u2018Nesting Partner\u2019 Is *Way* Different From Having a Roommate\" current-image=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/01\/GettyImages-what-is-nesting-partner-StevePrezant-425x285_418x278_true_70.webp\" v-on:parsely-posts-loaded=\"onPostsLoaded\" start-date=\"2023-08-03\" tag=\"div\" inline-template=\"\" url=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/nesting-partner\/\" secret=\"w5ztterVB03LGZJLfXS0hf3EvQBuFFIWew9hmVQxthU\" apikey=\"wellandgood.com\" limit=\"3\"> <\/p>\n<div>\n<div class=\"related-content__card mb-[10px] sm:mb-[20px]\" :class=\"{'related-content__card--full':posts.length === 1}\" v-for=\"(post, key) in posts\"> <a v-on:click.prevent=\"trackLinkGA($event, key)\" :href=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/nesting-partner\/post.url\" data-url-source=\"related-content\" class=\"related-content__link\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"\"> <\/p>\n<div class=\"related-content__card--image bg-tan\" :style=\"{ backgroundImage: 'url(' + post.image_url + ')' }\"> <img :src=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/nesting-partner\/post.image_url\" :alt=\"post.title\"\/> <\/div>\n<p> <\/a>  <\/div>\n<\/p><\/div>\n<p> <\/related-content> <\/div>\n<\/p><\/div>\n<h2>Nesting partner, explained<\/h2>\n<p>As mentioned earlier, a nesting partner is the name for a partner with whom you decide to live, explains Leanne Yau, the educator behind <a href=\"https:\/\/www.instagram.com\/polyphiliablog\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener nofollow\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"https:\/\/www.instagram.com\/polyphiliablog\/\">Poly Philia<\/a>, a social media project dedicated to education and entertainment on polyamory, non-monogamy, and personal growth. \u201cThe term doesn&#8217;t imply anything more or less than that you are partners, and also that you cohabitate.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>According to Yau, the term likely originated in the 1961 book <a href=\"https:\/\/clicks.trx-hub.com\/xid\/leafgroup_ca5e0_wellgood?q=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.amazon.com%2FStranger-Strange-Land-Robert-Heinlein%2Fdp%2F0441790348%3Ftag%3Dwgtrx12176-20%26asc_refurl%3Dhttps%253A%252F%252Fwww.wellandgood.com%252Fnesting-partner%252F%26asc_source%3Ddirect%26asc_campaign%3Dno-campaign&amp;p=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.wellandgood.com%2Fnesting-partner%2F&amp;event_type=click\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener nofollow\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"https:\/\/www.amazon.com\/Stranger-Strange-Land-Robert-Heinlein\/dp\/0441790348\" data-type=\"affiliateLink\" data-aff-intermediate=\"https:\/\/www.amazon.com\/Stranger-Strange-Land-Robert-Heinlein\/dp\/0441790348?tag=wgtrx12176-20&amp;asc_refurl=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.wellandgood.com%2Fnesting-partner%2F&amp;asc_source=direct&amp;asc_campaign=no-campaign\"><em>Stranger in a Strange Land<\/em><\/a> by Robert Heinlein. (In the novel, an alien comes to Earth and starts a trend of communal living where everyone lives in groups called nests.) \u201cA lot of people in the polyamorous community are big fans of that book and took the concept of nesting from its pages,\u201d Yau says.<\/p>\n<p>These days, Yau says the term can be used by non-monogamous and monogamous folks alike. But most commonly, it\u2019s used by people who are polyamorous with multiple loving partnerships and are looking for language that accurately describes their current relationship standings, obligations, and entanglements. \u201cPeople who are polyamorous like to be very specific in their language in order to properly differentiate their partners from one another, as well as explain those particular relationships,\u201d they say.<\/p>\n<blockquote>\n<p>\u201cIf you have multiple partners, some who you live with and some who you don&#8217;t, you have to consider the boundaries of your nesting partner when making dates, doing sleepovers, if you hang at your house, and so on.&#8221; \u2014Leanne Yau, founder, PolyPhilia<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<h2>Wait, how is this different from having a roomie?<\/h2>\n<p>Glad you asked. When two (or more) individuals are nesting partners they are, well, <em>partners<\/em>. \u201cThe term nesting partner typically suggests that the individuals living together currently have a romantic and\/or sexual relationship with one another,\u201d says Yau. (Though, sometimes the partnership between nesting partners is of the co-parenting or <a href=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/queerplatonic-relationships\/\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/queerplatonic-relationships\/\">queerplatonic<\/a> variety).<\/p>\n<p>Meanwhile, the term \u201croommate\u201d does not imply or suggest that the people living together are partners of any variety, says Iseman. She says being roommates typically entails a platonic relationship\u2014meaning there is no romantic or sexual relationship between these cohabitants. \u201cRegular roommates likely wouldn\u2019t take one another into account when making decisions about their individual finances, job offers, dating pool, the way nesting partners might,\u201d she says.<\/p>\n<p>To be clear: If a drunken night lands you and your roommate(s) in the same bed, you don\u2019t automatically transform from roommates into nesting partners. Nested partnership is an <em>intentional<\/em> decision, says Yau, while banging a roommate in this way is usually an oopsy-daisy.<\/p>\n<h2>Nested partner vs. primary partner vs. anchor partner<\/h2>\n<p>Again, many folks who are polyamorous lean on a wide variety of modifiers in order to describe their partnership relationships, commitments, and entanglements. While this language can be clarifying for those who are in-the-know on <a href=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/types-non-monogamy\/\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/types-non-monogamy\/\">polyamory lingo<\/a>, for everyone else it can be cause for a head-scratch. Unfortunately, such is commonly the case with nesting partners, which Yau says is commonly confused with the terms like \u201cprimary partner\u201d and \u201canchor partner\u201d (despite not being synonymous at all).<\/p>\n<h3>Primary partner implies a hierarchy that nesting partner does not<\/h3>\n<p>The term primary partner is used to denote that one particular partner is the most significant, important, and\/or considered partner in an individual&#8217;s life, explains Yau. \u201cThey\u2019re your top dog,\u201d they say.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhen someone has a primary partner, they are naming that they are practicing a form of polyamory known as hierarchical polyamory,\u201d says Iseman. In practice, these additional partners generally receive less from the individual in question financially, emotionally, and time-wise, compared to the primary partner. (Note: While people typically only have one primary partner, they might have two or three if they are in an established <a href=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/vee-relationship-structure\/\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/vee-relationship-structure\/\">triad<\/a> or quad, which are three- and four-person relationships.)<\/p>\n<p>However, Iseman says that people who choose to nest with one (or more) of their partners are not inherently practicing this branch of polyamory. \u201cIt\u2019s possible for someone to have a primary partner who they do not nest with, and also possible to have a nesting partner who they do not consider primary,\u201d she says.<\/p>\n<p>If you\u2019re an outsider to a relationship, grasping this difference is essential for understanding the particular dynamic(s) at play\u2014assuming that those dynamics are something you have the right to understand. Being cognizant of this difference can also help you figure out what question(s) to ask to determine whether or not a potential-partner is available to the <a href=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/relationship-quiz\/\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/relationship-quiz\/\">type of partnerships<\/a> you are interested in.<\/p>\n<h3>Anchor partners do not necessarily live together<\/h3>\n<p>Much as an anchor offers security to a boat, helping it combat wind and currents, an anchor partner is a steadfast person you can rely on throughout life&#8217;s ups and lows. \u201cYou can think of your anchor partner(s) as the other co-star(s) or another main character(s) in your story in addition to you,\u201d says Iseman. As the parentheticals imply, it is possible to have more than one anchor partner.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYour anchor partners are the people who emotionally anchor, or support, you,\u201d says Yau. \u201cThey are the partners who feel like home even if you do not literally share a home.\u201d When anchor partners share a home they are called anchor partners <em>and<\/em> nesting partners, not one or the other.<\/p>\n<p>Now, the <em>exact<\/em> role anchor partners play in one another\u2019s day-to-day lives can vary, based on a variety of things such as whether or not they are they are practicing hierarchical polyamory, live together (aka are also nesting partners), live in the same town or far away, and so on, notes Iseman. Regardless of the daily interactions, however, there\u2019s an assumption that the relationship will stay steady and secure for a long, long time.<\/p>\n<blockquote>\n<p>\u201cIf you are in a romantic relationship and you choose to live together, society tends to see you as a more \u2018legitimate couple.'&#8221; \u2014Leanne Yau<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<h2>The pros and cons of nesting with someone while polyamorous<\/h2>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/when-to-move-in-together\/\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/when-to-move-in-together\/\">Moving in together<\/a> can offer people in non-monogamous relationships many of the same benefits monogamous folks hope to obtain by shacking up. To name a few: Reduced cost of living, increased time together, greater access to a partner type of companionship, greater ease with co-parenting kids or pets, and the general joys of living with someone important to you. But there are additional benefits, as well as some challenges that are unique to polyamorous practitioners.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cIf you are in a romantic relationship and you choose to live together, society tends to see you as a more \u2018legitimate couple,\u2019\u201d says Yau. That\u2019s a very frustrating reality (that we\u2019re not endorsing), but Yau notes that there are various social benefits that can come along. For example, you might be more apt to receive a plus-one invite to a wedding, for instance, or your more traditional (read: mononormative) family may finally start to acknowledge the relationship for the importance it has long held. \u201cThere are also safety benefits as the unfortunate statistical reality is that living alone, especially as a woman, is less safe than when there is at least one other person sharing the residence,\u201d adds Iseman.<\/p>\n<p>That said, there may be potential challenges of nesting with someone while also dating\u2014or having the option to date\u2014others. \u201cIf you have multiple partners, some who you live with and some who you don&#8217;t, you have to consider the boundaries of your nesting partner when making dates, doing sleepovers, if you hang at your house, and so on,\u201d says Yau.<\/p>\n<p>While some people will be totally okay if you have sex in common spaces or in a shared bedroom, Yau says, others might prefer that dates happen when they are not there, or that other partners never come over at all. If you and your nesting partner are not on the same page about this, there is a high likelihood of conflict. One person, for example, might feel like the safety and sanctity of their home is being violated if they allow sleepovers with someone\u2019s other partners, while one person might feel that their autonomy is threatened if they feel like they can\u2019t host other partners.<\/p>\n<p>Choosing to nest with one partner and not another can also cause confusion, jealousy, resentment, or other types of sadness to your other partners that aren\u2019t going to nest with you. The cultural script teaches us that moving in with is an elevation of and intensification of that relationship that moves it one step higher on the relationship escalator, notes Yau. Being a partner not invited into that step can feel personal or disappointing, even when that isn\u2019t the case, they say.<\/p>\n<h2>Communication is the key for a happy, healthy nested relationship<\/h2>\n<p>You might have read all this and gotten really nervous about the potential of having a nesting partner. But here\u2019s the good thing: Most of the potential tension points that can arise as a result of choosing to nest together can be navigated with communication, communication, and more communication.<\/p>\n<p>Generally, it\u2019s best to talk with your potential future nesting partner about boundaries, dating ground rules, and more <em>before<\/em> the U-haul has been called.<\/p>\n<p>In addition to talking about things all cohabitors should talk about (cleanliness and chores, platonic pal and\/or party hosting, and sleep schedules), Yau says potential nesters should ask one another the following questions:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>What does home mean to you?<\/li>\n<li>Can we have non-sexual dates in the home? What about sexual dates?<\/li>\n<li>What might sleepovers with other partners look like moving forward?<\/li>\n<li>What places in the home are okay or off-limits for sex?<\/li>\n<li>How do you feel about being home when another one of my partners is present?<\/li>\n<li>What kind of post-sex or post-date rituals or chores do we need to put into place for the sake of comfort and cleanliness?<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>Obviously, an individual&#8217;s answers can (and probably will!) evolve through experience and exposure to different situations. But having these convos ahead of time can help you determine if you\u2019re compatible nesters.<\/p>\n<p>As for navigating other (non-nested) partners\u2019 potential jealousy, Yau notes it can be helpful to explicitly name the fact that nesting can be a practical rather than emotional decision. They say it\u2019s also a good idea to brainstorm other ways to show any other partners just how important they are to you. Some examples: with a ceremony, jewelry, friend or family integration, planned vacation(s), photos on social media, or adding them as an emergency contact.<\/p>\n<p>All in all, understanding what a nesting partner is can be helpful for clarifying what your current relationship set-ups are, and what you dream them to become. \u201cThe term can allow you to more specifically explain and name your past, current, and future entanglements,\u201d says Yau.<\/p>\n<p>But as in the case with most identity labels (see: <a href=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/queer-cultural-appropriation\/\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/queer-cultural-appropriation\/\">queer<\/a>, <a href=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/types-non-monogamy\/\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/types-non-monogamy\/\">non-monogamous<\/a>, <a href=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/asexual-or-low-libido\/\" referrerpolicy=\"no-referrer-when-downgrade\" data-vars-event=\"body text\" data-vars-click-url=\"https:\/\/www.wellandgood.com\/asexual-or-low-libido\/\">asexual<\/a>, etc.) \u201cnesting partner\u201d means and implies something <em>slightly<\/em> different to the different people using it. So, when it\u2019s appropriate, it&#8217;s best to ask educated follow-up questions when someone uses the term to describe their own relationship, and to invite others to inquire further when you\u2019re using the term.<\/p>\n<div class=\"disclaimers__after_content mb-[18px] mt-[16px] pt-[16px]\">\n<div class=\"relative mt-[8px] pt-[10px] pl-[0px]\">\n<p>\n            Our editors independently select these products. Making a purchase through our links may earn Well+Good a commission.          <\/p>\n<\/p><\/div>\n<\/p><\/div>\n<\/p><\/div>\n<p><script async defer src=\"https:\/\/platform.instagram.com\/en_US\/embeds.js\"><\/script><br \/>\n<br \/><div data-type=\"_mgwidget\" data-widget-id=\"1675549\">\r\n<\/div>\r\n<script>(function(w,q){w[q]=w[q]||[];w[q].push([\"_mgc.load\"])})(window,\"_mgq\");\r\n<\/script>\r\n<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>If you\u2019re a birder, Virgo, or expecting parent, odds are you\u2019re familiar with nesting\u2014aka the process of preparing and inhabiting a home. Outside of binocular-laden bird watching and astrological deep-dives, the term nesting is commonly used amongst polyamorous and other non-monogamous folks with the word partner tacked onto the end. \u201cNesting partners are two or &hellip;<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":10040,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[4],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-10039","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-health"],"aioseo_notices":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/loudhdtv.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/10039","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/loudhdtv.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/loudhdtv.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/loudhdtv.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/loudhdtv.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=10039"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/loudhdtv.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/10039\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/loudhdtv.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/10040"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/loudhdtv.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=10039"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/loudhdtv.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=10039"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/loudhdtv.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=10039"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}